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Star-Studded Lineup
Don't worry. The cretins on the other side of the glass can't see you. That's a one-way mirror. Just take your time and try to identify which of these Spam brains was the worst menace in sports last week. O.K., Number 1. Step out. This is former Dallas Cowboys lineman Nate Newton. We pulled him over in a van carrying 213 pounds of marijuana. That would be enough for 141,769 joints or, used medicinally, enough to make a blind man see. The pot had a munchies equivalent of two semis filled with Cheetos, which, considering Nate checks in at about 400 pounds, might just be enough for him. Amazingly, Nate didn't try to swallow the evidence. Number 2, step out. This is baseball commissioner Bud Selig. Homicide brought him in on charges of a) plotting to murder two teams -- probably the Minnesota Twins and the Montreal Expos; b) choking the buzz out of one of the greatest World Series; c) killing any chance there was of avoiding a lockout or strike next season; and d) scamming for his own dog-ass Milwaukee Brewers, who would muscle in on the Twins' fans and TV market if Minnesota gets whacked. On the plus side, he flosses regularly. Let's go, Number 3. This is New York Jets defensive back Damien Robinson. He was busted for the ugliest face-masking since Tammy Faye Bakker. Robinson says he didn't know that he had hold of New Orleans Saints' quarterback Aaron Brooks's face mask. What did you think it was, Damien, orthodontic headgear? A month ago an assault rifle, ammunition and high-capacity clips were found in the back of his SUV. The Jets fined him $30,000 for that, giving him a total of $50,000 in fines in one month -- breaking the record held by Exxon. Clank on out, Number 4. This human tattoo is Saints tackle Kyle Turley, whom the psych-ward guys hauled in after he went so bonkers about the face-masking of Brooks that he pried Robinson's helmet off and threw it downfield, costing the Saints the game and himself $25,000. Not the brightest guy. (Psst! Hey, Kyle, next time you want to rip a player's helmet off, better check the back of his SUV first.) Step out, Number 5. Yeah, you with the boa. This is former NBA star Dennis Rodman, who's in here so much, he's running a tab. We got him this time for disturbing our stomachs. He's negotiating to be part owner of an Irving, Calif., restaurant, which he wants to rename Rodman's Roadhouse. He plans to add an area for tattooing and body piercing. Sounds yummy, huh? Tattooing, piercing and fine dining? Let's see.... I'll have a Fuzzy Navel and something to drink. When you want the Mom's Special, are you talking about the meat loaf or a tattoo? Waiter, your fly is in my soup. Somewhere, a health-department inspector drools. O.K., step out, Number 6. This is Atlanta Hawks guard Jacque Vaughn, whom we brought in for using a deadly blunt instrument -- his jumper. He started the season 0 for 22 from the field, tied with that frozen cadaver down in forensics. The amazing part, though, is what Vaughn said afterward: "My shot feels good." Your shot feels good, Jacque? What shot? Your allergy shot? Your tequila shot? "I'll turn it around," said Vaughn. Sure enough, he did. The next game he went 1 for 5. But his shot felt good. O.K., Number 7. You in the suit. The bunco squad got this guy on a scam. He represents Pittsburgh TV station KDKA, which was caught taking the live network feed of the Steelers-Kansas City Chiefs game, sneaking in an extra 30-second ad and then cutting the game feed a little at a time to fit the ad in. Hey, geniuses, did it occur to you that some people watch the game on TV but listen on the radio? Those people could see the telecast was lagging 30 seconds behind! The KDKA staff's punishment, of course, will be having to watch 1,000 hours of cheesy Fox promos. Number 8, you're last. This is L.A. Clippers star Lamar Odom, who admitted at a tearful press conference that he'd been caught smoking dope for the second time in eight months. The narcs, however, think he was crying because he heard Nate Newton's van wasn't coming. O.K., that's it. Unfortunately, we've got to let them all go. We've got to make room for real trouble. Bob Knight is about to start coaching again. Issue date: November 19, 2001 Don't miss The Life of Reilly (Total/SPORTS ILLUSTRATED, $22.95) -- a best-of compilation of Rick Reilly's columns and features, with a foreword written by Charles Barkley, available now at bookstores everywhere.
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