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A Low-Rent League of Their Own
Posted: Tuesday March 16, 1999 10:38 AM
Commissioner Bud Selig announced today what many had been expecting -- the
formation of major league baseball's Junior Varsity League.
Selig said eight teams -- the Chicago White Sox, Florida Marlins, Kansas City
Royals, Minnesota Twins, Montreal Expos, Oakland A's, Philadelphia Phillies and
Pittsburgh Pirates -- will be removed from the big leagues and instead will
vie for the JV title. "We had to face reality," said Selig. "Most
of these teams have a payroll that wouldn't pay for Kevin Brown's room service,
much less Kevin Brown. I mean, the Twins start the season $70 million down to
the Yankees. Why kid ourselves? These teams had about as much chance of
contending as I have of nailing Carmen
Electra."
The hope is that the new league will spark fan interest again in clubs that were
mathematically eliminated from the pennant races just after pitchers and
catchers reported. "I'm psyched," said Marlins manager John Boles.
"The only way we weren't going to lose a hundred games was to move the
stadium to an undisclosed
location."
All the JV action will be broadcast over De Kalb, Ill., public-access cable,
with Jayne Kennedy and George Will slated for the broadcast
booth.
"We're looking forward to giving these teams something to play for,"
JV commissioner Steve Balboni said. "Let's face it. Only four or five teams
have a shot at the World Series. Baseball has become as predictable as a Havana
city council election. Last season no team made the playoffs that wasn't among
the top 13 in payroll. Baseball is finally pulling its head out of its ass. Up
to now, everything else it tried was just rearranging deck chairs on the
Titanic."
Naturally, Balboni said, the new league will employ cost-cutting measures.
Players will travel to games utilizing Greyhound's Ameripass program. All teams
will stay at Cubicle by Marriott. Groupies will be harvested from dropouts of
Reno Hooker
College.
"Are you kidding me?" said Royals ace Kevin Appier. "I'm going to
win 30 games! Cleveland and Baltimore already signed all the big freaking
sticks! Think I can't punch out Denny Hocking all year?
Please!"
Philadelphia, the richest JV team, with a payroll of about $29 million, is
the favorite to win the coveted Mario Mendoza Trophy at the JV Discount World
Series in Williamsport, Pa., in October. Oddsmaker Danny Sheridan, however,
refused to handicap the field. "Personally," he said, "I don't
see how any of them can win
it."
Unlike major league baseball, there will be no cash bonus for members of the JV
championship team, but each player will receive a crystal bowl of
cigarette butts and a lime-green teddy autographed by Cincinnati Reds owner
Marge Schott. The team that finishes last in the JV each season will be traded
for the champion of the Elks' Class C coed softball league in Enid,
Okla.
Reaction from the Haves in baseball was mixed upon hearing about the new league
for the Have-Nots. "Pittsburgh's in it?" said Yankees ace Roger
Clemens. "Hell, I thought Pittsburgh folded three seasons ago."
"This isn't fair," said a dejected Anaheim Angels slugger Mo Vaughn.
"I bought two houses and a Porsche on White Sox pitching
alone."
Senator Ted Kennedy (D., Mass.) decried the move as elitist corporate thinking:
"Why should fans in Miami or Montreal be deprived of seeing sluggers like
Mike McGrewer and Stanley
Sooser?"
Balboni put to rest charges that players' self-esteem will be irreparably
damaged from playing in the lesser league. He said JV rules will require that
every player plays at least two innings of the regulation six-inning games and
receives a certificate of participation at the end of the season -- plus a
pizza party. He also said the JV will recognize its heroes with its Stall of
Fame, to be located in the men's room of the Shoney's in Beaver,
Utah.
"By no means is this the end of these players' big league careers,"
said superagent Scott Boras, "but it's
close."
Opening Day for the junior junior circuit is slated for April 1 in Oakland.
It'll be Bat Night -- the first 300 fans through the gates will be asked to
donate a bat from
home.
The A's announced that Soupy Sales is set to throw out the first pitch and start
on the mound for
Oakland.
Issue date: March 15, 1999
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