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Mon Dieu! Better Safe Than Sorry

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Posted: Wednesday July 21, 1999 07:52 AM

Do you realize you could be British Open champ?

You telling me you can't make a six on a par 4? A double bogey? You could make double bogey in flippers and a snorkel. You could hit a five-iron, an oar and a rigatoni noodle and make a double bogey. A well-trained chicken could make a freaking double bogey.

The only golfer on earth who can't make a double bogey when he has to is France's Jean Van de Velde, which is too bad, because he needed a simple double bogey on the 72nd hole on Sunday in Carnoustie, Scotland, to win the British Open.

The trophy was polished. The 10-year exemption was ready. The wife was lipsticked up. All he needed was a six. He made a seven.

The last hole at Carnoustie is a 480-yard par 4 with a wee burn that crosses the fairway three times. All you want to do to make double bogey is hit two little five-irons in front of each crossing, then a little wedge and three-putt for immortality.

Instead, Van de Velde hits a driver. A freaking driver! A driver brings the first crossing of the wee burn into play. A driver brings Carnastie's wrist breaking botany into play. Van de Velde needs to hit a driver like Strom Thurmond needs a nipple chain.

Why doesn't his caddie stop him? "Well, zere was a lot of zee wind," says Van de Velde's odd caddie, Christopher (he wouldn't give his last name), a 30-year-old Parisian who wears a beatnik's tuft under his chin and a white beret over his bleached-blond hair.

Wind, Chris? Wind? You've got three shots to reach the green! If I'm Chris, I snap the driver in half and say, "Fine. Hit the driver."

O.K., Van de Velde hits the driver and pushes his shot a kilometer right, nearly onto the 17th tee box. Now he's got 240 yards to the green with nothing but burn and heartburn in between.

Any erect-walking mammal with an ant's nostril of sense hits a 120-yard wedge into the middle of the fairway, then another 120-yard wedge onto the green, three-putts and orders up champagne.

Instead, Van de Velde hits a two-iron. A freaking two-iron! A two-iron is the worst idea since Lou Brock for Ernie Broglio!

Why, oh, why doesn't his caddie stop him? "Well, we talked about zis, but zee lie, it was just so parfait," says Christopher.

Zee lie, Chris? Zee lie? If I'm Chris, I say, "My, zat is a nice lie, iz eet not, Jean?" and throw everything but the wedge and the putter into the burn.

So les misérables hit a two-iron, and the ball sails two kilometers right, caroms off the grandstand and bounces back over the burn, into some heather high enough to lose Ian Woosnam in. Uh-oh.

"Jean was peezed," says Christopher. "He sayz to me, 'Why don't you make me hit wedge?' He says, 'On est trop gourmand!' ['You are a glutton!'] I theenk that he and I, we want too much show."

Now Van de Melt has the worst lie since "I did not have sex with that woman." He can barely see the ball. He hits it right into the wee burn.

So, laying three, the ball is sitting mostly under water, with the six-foot-high creek wall right in front of it, and, obviously, he's going to have to drop and -- No!

No, no, no! Please tell us Van de Velde isn't taking off his shoes and socks, rolling up the legs of his pants and climbing into the wee burn to hit it. He is! He's going to play it out of the burn!

Why, oh, why doesn't his caddie stop him? "Well," says Christopher. "He wants to do zees, but zee wall, it iz very tall."

Van de Velde finally has a sudden growth spurt of brain cells and decides to drop instead -- back into the haggis. This time, he easily hits it over the wee burn and straight into zee beach.

Now he's got to get it up and down out of a greenside bunker just to make the playoff, which he does. Of course, by then he needs a whisky, a massage and emergency psychoanalysis and proceeds to lose to someone named Paul Lawrie, who is as shocked as anybody to even be in the playoff, seeing as he might as well be a vacationing upholsterer from Glasgow.

"For a time," decides Christopher, "thees was zee best day of my life. Now, it iz zee worst."

Van de Velde put on a brave face for the fans, but once in the scoring trailer, he sobbed into his hands. "Next time," he said, bittersweetly, "I'll hit zee wedge. You'll say I'm a coward, but I'll hit zee wedge."

No, next time, give Christopher the wrong dates.

Issue date: July 26, 1999

 

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