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Plenty of awards to go around
SYDNEY, Australia -- Welcome to a very special Olympic edition of the Mikey Awards. These awards, which are usually handed at the end of the year, are bestowed upon the players and teams for dubious achievements, unusual deeds and misdeeds and rather incredible performances. The Mikey Awards committee has worked overtime culling the tapes of every Olympic soccer game to make sure not a moment of the scintillating action was not missed. These coveted statues, second only to a gold medal and a pin of Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat, will be handed out immediately following the medal ceremony at Olympics Stadium on Saturday. We regret that he won't be able to honor any unusual occurrences during the men's gold-medal match between Spain and Cameroon, but I know their fans will understand our deadline pressures. So, without further delay, the 2000 Sydney Olympics Mikey Awards: Goal of the Tournament Gold medal to Norway's Dagny Mellgren, who scored in the 102nd minute to lift the Europeans to a 3-2 triumph over the U.S. in the women's gold-medal encounter. Extra Time Goal of the Tournament See goal of the tournament winner. Stoppage Time Goal of the Tournament Gold medal to U.S. forward Tiffeny Milbrett, who connected two minutes past the 90-minute mark to salvage a 2-2 tie and force extra time in vs. Norway. Referee Sonia Denoncourt whistled the end to regulation just after Norway kicked off. Silver medal to U.S. midfielder Peter Vagenas, whose 90th-minute penalty kick forced extra time in the men's quarterfinals vs. Japan. Own Goal of the Tournament Gold medal to Germany's Tina Wunderlich, who headed the ball into her own net in the 80th minute, which lifted Norway to a surprising 1-0 win in the semifinals. At the end of the match Wunderlich was so crushed and needed to be helped off the field by coach Tina Theune-Meyer. Hat-Trick of the Olympics Gold medal to U.S. forward Tiffeny Milbrett, who hit the right post, crossbar and finally left post in the 2-0 opening-round victory over Norway. Yes, she managed to find the back of the net. Silver medal to the three Brazilian players - Simone (31st minute), Juliana (49th) and Formiga (59th), who were awarded yellow cards for tackling Mia Hamm in the women's semifinals. Bronze medal to Chilean striker Ivan Zamorano, the lone player to score three goals in a match, in the 4-1 first-round win over Morocco. Ring Around the Collar Award Gold medal to Japanese goalkeeper Seigo Narazaki, whose yellow and black shirt had a surprising red hue added to it after he suffered a severe bloody nose from a collision with a teammate in the men's quarterfinals vs. the U.S. Silver medal to Australian women's player Sunni Hughes, who took off her shirt Brandi Chastain style to celebrate a goal vs. Brazil. Bottom's Up Award Gold medal to the Italian players who threw their shorts-yes, shorts, not shirts-into the stands at the Melbourne Cricket Ground to celebrate their opening 1-0 victory over Australia on Sept. 13. Boomerang Award For Errant Strategical Moves Gold medal to U.S. women's coach April Heinrichs, who replaced a defender ( Brandi Chastain ) with a forward ( Cindy Parlow ) while the U.S. enjoyed a 1-0 lead against China. Four minutes later, the Chinese scored in what ended in a 1-1 draw. Silver medal to American men's coach Clive Charles, who refused to put Landon Donovan into the game as a late sub in a 1-1 tie with Cameroon. Bronze medal to Heinrichs, who used only two players out of a possible seven bench players for substitutes in five games in the tournament. Harry Houdini Award Gold medal to Cameroon, which, despite playing two men down, managed to pull off a miracle escape and get past favored Brazil in the quarterfinals with a late goal. Coach of the tournament Gold medal to Morocco's Said El Kheider, who was unceremoniously dumped after his team failed to win a single game here. D.C. United Underachievers Award Gold medal to Italy, which was everybody's pre-tournament favorite, but was bounced in the quarterfinals. Silver medal to Brazil, which also was eliminated in the quarters as its quest for a gold medal continues. Bronze medal to defending champion Nigeria, which could not capture the magic of 1996. Nerves of Steel Award Gold medal to Vagenas, who calmly converted four penalty kicks in the tournament. He put away three during game action and the first one in the tie-breaker vs. Japan in the quarters. Roberto Baggio Award Gold medal to Japanese star midfielder Hidetoshi Nakata, who missed his country's only penalty in the tie-breaker, which eliminated the Asians in the quarterfinals. Why do the biggest stars seemingly miss penalties in big games? We'll Always Have Adelaide Award Gold medal to the U.S. men's side, which survived an epic, 120-minute encounter with Japan via penalty kicks to reach the medal round for the very first time. We'll Never Have Adelaide Award Gold, silver and bronze medals to NBC, which did not bother to send a TV announcers crew to the quarterfinal. Instead, Andres Cantor and Alexi Lalas were forced to do the game from a studio in Sydney, missing all of the incredible atmosphere of the game. And you wonder why NBC has taken a big hit in the ratings and by the critics. This was just a drop in the bucket. Marshall McLuhan Media Is The Message Award Gold medal to Roy Slaven and H.G. Nelson and The Dream team of local TV for their insightful, zany look at the day's events with the help of their stuffed mascot, Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat. Yes, soccer was parodied as well. It's too bad Americans couldn't get an opportunity to watch these two funny men instead of NBC's misbegotten coverage. The spirit of Monty Python is alive and well in Australia! Two Heads Are Not Always Better Than One Award Gold medal to Brazilian Lucio, who head-butted his own teammate, Roger, for some reason during the men's quarterfinal vs. Cameroon. Hard Luck Award Gold medal to China, the 1996 silver medalists who were eliminated in the opening round. Bonehead Decision Award Gold medal to FIFA, for forcing us to have a Hard Luck Award. If the draw had been down properly, China would not have been played in the same "Group of Death" as U.S. and Norway, but in Group E with Germany, Brazil, Australia and Sweden (one of those teams would have been placed in Group F). Michael Lewis covers soccer for the New York Daily News. His third book, Soccer For Dummies, was published this past spring.
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