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Lost in translation
Deciphering the language of the coaching carousel
Posted: Monday January 07, 2002 11:26 AM
Updated: Monday January 07, 2002 11:43 AM
Sports Illustrated senior writer Phil Taylor touches on a Hot Button issue
each Monday on CNNSI.com. After you read Phil's take, give us yours.
There must be a football coach somewhere out there who A) hasn't recently
resigned or been fired; B) is about to resign or be fired; or C) isn't a
candidate to replace someone who has or is about to resign or be fired. I just
can't think of one at the moment. The coaching merry-go-round seems to be
spinning even faster than usual lately, in both college football and the NFL.
Steve Spurrier left the college ranks to go to the pros and Chan
Gailey left the pros to go to college. Tyrone Willingham left
Stanford to go to Notre Dame, where he will replace George O'Leary, who
left Georgia Tech, where he will be replaced by Gailey. Spurrier resigned from
Florida and could wind up in Carolina, where George Seifert was fired, or Washington, where Marty Schottenheimer may be about to be
fired, or even in San Diego, where Mike Riley has been fired. But Riley
may end up at Stanford, where he would replace Willingham, who -- wait, haven't
we already covered
that?
With all the upheaval, it's helpful to be fluent in the language coaches use
when employment opportunities are being discussed. Generally speaking, coaches
will say just about anything to avoid looking like exactly what most of them
are: pathologically ambitious men who, no matter how wonderful a job they have,
are always on the lookout for a better one. That's why we offer these
translations of several of the most commonly used statements by coaches thinking
about changing
jobs.
"I've withdrawn my name from consideration." Translation:
I laid an egg in the interview and the owner/athletic director told me I have
about as good a shot at the job as his
gardener.
"Don't ask me to get into all the speculation."
Translation: I don't want to lie to you and tell you I'm not interested in that
other job, but if you make me, I
will.
"If they called, I'd owe it to myself and my family to
listen." Translation: I hope you media people will put my name in the rumor
mill, because even if I'm not interested in the job, maybe I can use the
leverage to get a contract
extension.
"I have not been contacted by anyone from another team."
Translation: Of course, my agent has been quietly negotiating for me with half
the NFC, AFC and SEC, but no one has talked to me directly, so technically, I'm
not
lying.
"I'm not talking about a job that's not open."
Translation: I don't know why they haven't gone ahead and fired that incompetent
SOB they've got for a coach, but as soon as they do, they can call me on my
cell.
"I told these kids I'd be here until they graduate, and I can't
break that promise." Translation: I spent a big chunk of the past year in
Boot Lick, Ark. and West Nowhere, Okla. recruiting a couple studs for next
season, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let somebody else come in here and
coach 'em into the top
10.
"This opportunity is just too good to pass up."
Translation: This numskull owner/athletic director/booster seems to think that
doubling my salary is somehow going to make up for the fact that his quarterback
throws like my Aunt Alice, so who am I to argue?
"I feel it's time for a new challenge." Translation: A new
challenge, and a new pool, and a new Lexus, not to mention a new set of players
who haven't heard all my inspirational speeches, and fans and media who haven't
heard all my jokes
yet.
"I'm very happy here at [fill in the blank]." Translation:
Until the next opening comes up, that is.
Sports Illustrated senior writer Phil Taylor writes about a Hot Button issue
every Monday on
CNNSI.com.
The opinions expressed here are solely those of the
writer.
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