Coach overload

Getting into the game may be easier than you think

According to the latest Labor Department statistics, there are about eight million people out of work in the United States. But judging from the expanding armies of men patrolling the sidelines and dugouts for professional sports teams these days, none of those eight million are coaches. Parents, if you want your children always to be employed when they grow up, don't have them practice shooting jumpers or fielding ground balls. Buy them a whistle and a clipboard and show them how to break down game film or touch their hands to their shoulders for a 20-second timeout.

The coaching market is booming. There haven't been this many jobs created since FDR 's New Deal. At last check, the Oakland Raiders had a 18-man coaching staff, and that doesn't even include the guys owner Al Davis hires to walk behind him and tell him the gel and the leisure suits are a good look. Dallas Mavericks coach Don Nelson has five assistant coaches -- giving the Mavs one coach for every two players. Their bench has so many guys in jackets and ties it looks like a commercial for Men's Wearhouse. Cincinnati Bengals head coach Dick LeBeau has 15 other coaches on his staff, and with five victories in two seasons, we're betting that he won't be employed long enough for his win total to match his assistant total.

With so many coaches, teams have to get creative with titles. Chuck Lester of the Buffalo Bills is listed as defensive assistant/administrative assistant to the head coach, which makes it sound as if he gets sent to Kinkos to make copies of the playbook. There are so many coaches that duties are broken down into bite-sized pieces. The Baltimore Ravens don't just have a strength and conditioning coach, they have two assistant strength and conditioning coaches. In addition to a special teams coach, the Philadelphia Eagles have a coach in charge of something called "special teams quality control." Your guess is as good as mine.

But the clearest sign that sports has gone coaching crazy is the emergence of something known as the "bench coach" in baseball. New Chicago Cubs manager Dusty Baker recently hired Dick Pole as his bench coach, and Art Howe chose Don Baylor to join him in the same capacity with the New York Mets. Bench coach? They're just making stuff up now. Isn't the manager supposed to be the bench coach? On a team that already has a first-base coach, third-base coach, pitching coach and hitting coach, it's hard to imagine what a bench coach's duties would be. He can't literally coach the bench players, because most of of them are pitchers who are usually in the bullpen with, you guessed it, the bullpen coach.

As far as we can tell, the bench coach's entire job consists of sitting next to the manager in the dugout and adopting the same pained expression his boss has on his face. The New York Yankees have made the bench coach fashionable over the last several years, with Don Zimmer becoming a household face thanks to all those television shots of him sitting next to manager Joe Torre during the postseason. But Zimmer's main contribution seems to be allowing the players to come by and rub his rotund head for good luck.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with a man making an honest living. Zimmer has even parlayed his bench coaching into TV commercials and a book deal. More power to him, and to all the other coaches out there. In fact, maybe that gravy train has room for one more rider. Hey, Mr. Steinbrenner , I think the Yankees need a media coach -- and I know just the guy for the job.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Phil Taylor writes about a Hot Button issue every Monday on CNNSI.com

 

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