-
-
- CFB Front Page
-
Scores
- Teams
-
Conferences
- Players
- Standings
- Rankings
- Schedules
- Stats
- Bowl Schedule
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- Soccer Front Page
-
Leagues
- Podcasts
-
-
- Tennis Front Page
-
ATP
-
WTA
-
-
|
A unique take on sports news, updated several times throughout the day.
Look what we have in the (fake) e-mail bag
To: Brian Urlacher From: Matt Leinart Subject: Parenting tips Yo Brian, I saw that a judge is making you attend parenting class. Dude, raising a kid's not that hard. You probably already know more than you think. Like I was going to tell you that being a dad doesn't mean you need to stay with your baby momma or that you can't still hang with hotties like Paris Hilton, but it seems you've figured that out on your own. Hang in there, and maybe don't hit me so hard next time we play ;) To: Atlanta Country Club From: Hank Aaron Subject: Tee times With that punk kid (I refuse to even say his name) just four ill-gotten homers from my record, I'm feeling a strong need to get on the course. I'm still not sure what possessed me to say I'd be golfing when he breaks the record, but I did and I'm a man of my word. So starting next week, I better reserve a standing daily tee time just in case. Make it two slots, actually, though my good pal Bud still won't say for sure if he'll be joining me. To: Elin From: Tiger Woods Subject: While I'm gone Honey, I'm off across the Pond for the British Open pretty soon and just wanted to remind you of a few things. Sam's a month old now, so please take her out to the driving range every day. I want her to start with wedges and then work her way through her tiny bag of clubs. Don't tell her that by her age I was already breaking 90 on a real course; let's not get her discouraged. But with Michelle Wie in the doldrums, Nike says there's a real opening for a female golfing prodigy. Love you guys, I'll be sure to bring back a shiny trophy for Sam to stare at. To: Tony La Russa From: Bud Selig Subject: Well done Just wanted to pass along my gratitude for stealing the headlines by angering your best player at the All-Star Game. Ever since I made the courageous decision to call the '02 All-Star Game a tie, people have ridiculed me. (OK, at least that's one of the things they ridicule me about.) But your bonehead decision not to play Albert Pujols just might get me off the hook. At least they can't say any more that I made the dopiest decision in All-Star history. Thanks again! To: Miss New Jersey From: Kyle Orton Subject: Juicy pictures You don't know me, but I just wanted to say I have your back in releasing those pictures. So what if there are shots of of you drunk as a skunk, or maybe smooching your girlfriends? (Though if you have any of the latter, can you send them to me? I'll be discreet.) Everyone's seen me off my rocker on Jack Daniels and it hasn't hurt my career any. Why, I went from starting 15 games for a playoff team in '05 to ... third string. Hmmm. You know, maybe you should be more careful after all. To: Omar Minaya From: Rickey Henderson Subject: Re: Where are you??!! Man, I got the plane ticket you sent but there's a problem: Rickey don't fly coach. I don't just have tenure, I have 20-plus years in the bigs. I'm happy to teach your kids how to be the greatest of all time, even if I don't and won't know their names, but Rickey needs to be shown respect. Plus I heard that you haven't installed full-length mirrors in the clubhouse like I said. How else can guys prepare for the game besides swinging a bat in their skivvies while saying, "Rickey's the best"? And who's this HoJo character they say you might make hitting coach instead of Rickey? HoJo's is a place to get ice cream, not a Hall of Famer like Rickey. I know I signed that contract the other day, but I cancelled it. To: Bill Maas From: Michael Irvin Subject: Hang in there I saw that you got pulled over the other day with drugs in your car, plus a 27-year-old woman. First of all, good work on the babe. But take a page from the Playmaker. If you ever get caught with junk in your car, just tell the police you're holding it for your "brother" so he doesn't get mixed up in the stuff. That usually works for me. Hang in there, bro! To: Jason Giambi From: Donald Fehr Subject: Meeting with George Mitchell It's time for you to start listening to me. I know you have some twisted desire to "do the right thing," but remember that the road to hell (and being a pariah) is paved with good intentions. Not only won't the truth set you free, but it'll get you and a bunch of other players suspended. I won't have your big mouth undo two decades of my work in making the game safe for players to do whatever they want. You better start playing ball with me or I'll make sure you never play ball again. Just try me. To: Tom Cruise From: David Beckham Subject: S'up Well, I'm finally in the States. Let's get together this weekend! Are there any hot premieres? Posh says she wants to walk the red carpet with Katie. I have a press conference this morning and then a borderline-pornographic photo shoot with Posh this afternoon, but I'm pretty much free after that. I'll probably have a play a few football (oops, soccer, LOL!) games for this MLS thing at some point, but that shouldn't take too much time. Brooklyn and the other kids can't wait to hang with Suri! To: Lou Piniella From: Mark Cuban Subject: Let's win a championship! Now that I've officially made my offer to buy the Cubs, I hope we'll be working together. I've always respected the way you go nuts on umpires; I can totally relate. I just want you to know that I've always gotten along well with my coaches, at least until they go to another team and beat me, whereupon I sue them. So don't ever leave me, LOL! (No, I'm serious, I'll sue you.) Let's have fun!
posted by SI.com | View comments |
Comments:You missed one e-mail.
To: Pete McTagart From: CNNSI.com Editor If we wanted recycling, we'd just hire a blue can. On second thought, the Big Blue Can just might be more funny. Tank,
If I ever run into this "McTagart" fellow you're always going on about, I'll be sure to pass along your note. -- Thanks, Pete To: ESPN
From: Rosie O'Donnell Since I am free, and Dan Patrick might get the job I really want (Come On Down!), can I have his job? To: Lou Pinella
From: Don Nelson I know that your possible new boss has probably been in touch. From my experience there can be only one thing you can do if he buys the team: quit and go work for Tony LaRussa in St. Louis and then beat him every chance you get. To: David Beckham
From: Sidney Crosby Re: Welcome to the USA. Hello David, Since it seems that I have become the ambassador for hockey in North America, I have been asked to give you the "rookie" some pointers on how to act. Above all have class and dignity. Don't dye your hair or spike it, and no faux mohawks. Don't fall on the ground and act like you are mortally wounded every time someone nudges you. Stay away from the baby-sitter. Don't give your kids bizarre celebrity names. Since MLS like the NHL will have to depend on ticket sales to average, working-class Joes don't flaunt your wealth. Let me come up with some totally outlandish example, like, paying someone to unwrap your Christmas presents. No one would do that, right? Lastly, I have to apologize in advance for the boorish behavior you might experience from fans in America. Europeans being so much more cultured and civilized then Americans would never do anything to harm other fans, players or sporting facilities, would they? To: America
From: NHL No, seriously, we still exist To: LeBron
From: Rashard Lewis You owe me $1. I told you I would be able to convince some stupid GM to pay me more money than you (on the court, but still). To: Big Papi's Knee
From: Big Papi Seriously, you need to lose some weight. I'm falling apart down here To: Landis and Armstrong
From: Tour de France Finally there are no american contenders in the Tour de France. Sorry about planning the evidence landis, no hard feeling, just want to get our race back you know, it is called the tour de FRANCE. Only problem is, nobody cares anymore. oh well at least an american won't win To: Pete McEntegart
From: CNNSI.COM How do we pay you to only post once a day? Will,
Actually, I'm on salary, so I get paid the same no matter how many times I post per day. Though would you have preferred it if I broke today's 10-item edition into 10 different posts? Certainly something to think about. Thanks for spelling my name correctly, though. -- Pete I'm glad you understand the sarcasm of your fans
Why must you tease us with the old format? Maybe youshould of put the hat back on for the day also...
To: Elijah Dukes
From: Florida Dept. of Revenue, Child Support Enforcement Division Your child support payments are $250,000 in arrears. And that's just for last month.  |
Let me hear from you
Beyond posting a comment, if you have a news tip or a link to a story or video clip that you think is interesting, please drop me a line. Or if you have a general question or comment, send that along too. You can email me here. (One note on the blogger comments: The only rule is to keep it clean. No curse words, please. This is a family blog.) Recent Posts
  |
||
  |
|||
Copyright © 2008 Time Inc.
A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved.
Terms under which this service is provided to you.
Read our privacy guidelines.
