Last Man Standing Golf.
The guys have clubs, use em'. I think Cabrera could take out Furyk with one good swipe of a sand wedge.
A well-placed 3-iron by Mickelson and we wouldn't have Tiger dropping out of any more potential majors due to pending child birth.

Okay, let's make some suggestions that could be somewhat realistic.

1. Player makes a birdie - gets to move up to the next tee on the next hole.
2. Player makes worse than a double bogey - a club gets removed for the rest of the round.
3. Player makes an eagle or better - gets to replaced removed club or remove a club from another player's bag for the next round.
4. Player shoots 80 or worse - has to dress like Carl from Caddyshack for the remainder of the tournament.
5. Player breaks course record - gets immunity from any future Johnny Miller comments for the rest of his career.

Varied traps are actually kind of a cool idea, though I don't think jagged glass or flaming pits are going to be implemented anywhere outside of Whitaker's mind ;)

But one could perhaps imagine creating different grades of hazards by using different sized stones rather than sand. Or, imagine a depression in the middle of the course filled with intentionally high rough, sort of a "cross-rough" if you will...

On a less serious note, if you are going to have pirates, you'd better have ninjas too, or else this could get really ugly...

giant flesh eating gophers

those stinging red army ants in the sand traps

scantily clad cart girls

NFL linebackers tackling anybody getting a bogey

1) A windmill
2) The Clown's Mouth on #18 green
3) Cocktails available while playing, might as well be drunk
4) Cheerleaders

5) A 700 yard par 5 (it's not that much further than Oakmont's 667 yd par 5)

6) A 400 yd par 3....why not?

forget the long rough at the drivable par fours--quick sand in those traps

Shriners in little volkswagons and go-carts would follow Tiger around.

Carl Spackler the groundskeeper, turning on jello-emitting sprinklers at will

make it a shotgun start--everybody in the gallery brings their own shotgun

How about every green has five flagsticks but one pin location is like the Whammy? If you putt or chip into the wrong hole your ball is immediately jettisoned a thousand feet in the air and you are disqualified from the tournament. It would certainly cut down on those 5 hour rounds if only 3 golfers finished the tournament.

Do like the Milwaukee Brewers where they combined a home game with free prostrate screenings for male attendees.

2008 US Open Slogan: "The PGA is Bending over Backwards for Healthcare--Now It's Your Turn to Bend Over"

Since its in Southern California, make it a pro-am with Venice Beach types--"All golphers please, Speedo's only".

Since its' at Torrey Pines, milatry jets flying overhead will be instructed to break the sound barrier as often as possible on Sunday afternoon.

Because the event will be played near Hollywood, make Tom Cruise the ceremonial intergalactic head of the the USGA that day. Before teeing off all players must pledge eternal allegiance to Mork from Ork or be incinerated by a laser beam.

Given the proximity to Hollywood--make it a pro-am featuring Alec Baldwin, Angelina Jolie, Michael Moore, Sean Penn and other HWood Libs. Only requirement: have to play Lefty.

Hot, scantily dressed cheerleaders at each hole. At least there would be more TV viewership

A wind-machine?

Great idea! And if it's adopted by the USGA, Lang Whitaker is a lock for the job!

Didn't like the US Open? A demanding course requiring talent and precision for every drive, fairway shot and putt? That's boring? Not for me!

I enjoy ~~ no, I delight ~~ in watching the world's best golfers
challenged by a difficult course.

I don't think I'm alone!!!

Mow the course as crop circles.

FULL CONTACT! For ratings there would be nothing better than to see two guys vying for the top spot throwing blows or body checks on the back nine on sunday. Have to make it like hockey though, can't use the sticks as weapons.

LONGER HOLES! You got a 300 yard Par 3... you have to make a Par 5 hole that NOBODY can reach in two. OK, you got up to 660+ yards, but then you have Cabrera hitting a 390+ yard Tee shot... come on! Make a huge 700 or 800 yard Par 5 where it would require everyone to take at least three strokes to reach the green!

FAN INTERFERENCE! Those spectators on the side of the fairways, let them in the play! If a player goes so far offline with a shot, the spectators should have every right to pick the ball up and throw it in any direction they want, or they could just stomp on it and bury it further in the ground! This would ensure the players do not go that far offline, or they would just hope that their fans are where they hit it.

BEER! Anyone that's a weekend golfer, knows that drinking is part of the game, well on the weekends anyway. Well, let's see how the pro's do when they're a little tipsy. you play the first two rounds sober, but once you reach the weekend and make the cut, you are required to drink at least one beer per hole. This would make that par saving putt on the 18th to force a playoff that much more interesting. Unless you're a certain middle aged golfer with a gambling problem... I think he's a little tipsy evertime he's on the course anyway!

FOUR CLUBS! Make every single player play with only four clubs in the bag, that's it. Get rid of all the Hybrids and Lob wedges and all the specialty clubs people are playing with now a days. Say a 3W, 7I, PW, and a Putter, but a max of only four clubs can be carried during any round!

Speed Holes

First, they should allow birdies. I watched the last 1 1/2 hours and didn't see a single one; couldn't be a coincidence.
Second, and much more important, any time a guy yells 'get in the hole' when someone is driving on a par 4 or 5, he should be required to give the golfer a piggyback to his ball. That would save a lot of energy and maybe lead to a birdie.

How about adding a skeet shooting element? Let the other guys in your group fire at the ball in flight to try to knock it off its intended course. Maybe then Tiger wouldn't be the most feared partner on the course (as the broadcasters talked about INCESSANTLY).

seriously, i think 1/4"-1/2" water traps would be perfect.

For LPGA only:
Two words... Strip Golf! Bogey loses one article and Birdie gets to put one back on. The only clothing allowed to stay on are golf shoes and gloves. Of course HBO or Showtime would have to broadcast it :-)

I left one out:

7) The "John Daly" Memorial Tent -- offering alcohol rehab and divorce counseling

Carts... only driven by Jimmie Johnson, Jeff Gordon, Dale Jr and the boys. Would make about a 15 minute round.