What will Chad Johnson pull out of his hat if he scored a touchdown Monday night?
Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images
MONDAY, OCT. 1
A League of Their Own, ABC Family, 7 pm: Would Rosie O’Donnell have been as amusing to us as a gritty tomboy of a third baseman (third basewoman?) if we had been able to see into her future back in 1992? Sadly, I don’t think so.
Dancing With the Stars, ABC, 8 pm: I haven’t watched yet, but Mark Cuban’s participation lead to curiosity, which lead me to his blog, Blogmaverick.com. Yikes. There, Cuban reveals that DWTS has him "under 200 pounds for the first time since college" (didn’t need to know that) and blabs about "daddy treats" -- snacks he presumably makes for his daughter. (Cuban: "Of course no treat goes unfinished by dad!") As if that hadn’t sold me on DWTS, he promises, "No matter what, [tonight] is going to be fun !!" Great. Fun.
Heroes, NBC, 9 pm: Sometimes I feel like I’m speaking another language when I describe Heroes plot lines. This week: Saresh goes in search of the Haitian, Claire tries to keep her secret from Flying Boy (who seems evil to me), plus Nikki and Micah leave Vegas.
Patriots at Bengals,ESPN, 8:30 pm: Last I looked, the over-under had reached 54. I could see these two teams topping that by halftime. Easy money.
The pick: Patriots by 13.
TUESDAY, OCT. 2
Death to Smoochy, Comedy Central, 5 pm: Just because.
Dancing With the Stars, ABC, 9 pm: Who doesn’t love results shows? Probably the same people who wouldn’t tune in to see Queen Latifah shamelessly plug her new album, which she’s doing here, too.
101 Most Unforgettable SNL Moments, E!, 9 pm: For 10 of the most forgettable, go to the tape of this weekend’s LeBron-hosted SNL episode. Almost 100 percent unwatchable.
Ernest Goes to Camp, CMT, 10:15 pm: It’s like an Ernest Litmus Test. Everyone who thinks Ernest Goes to Jail was Jim Verney’s best work, please take one step to the left. Everyone else, you’re with me on the Camp side.
WEDNESDAY, OCT. 3
Pushing Daisies, ABC, 8 pm: What a marketing dilemma. How would you promote this quirky paranormal drama? From the director of RV? From the producer of Wild Wild West? They chose The Adams' Family and Get Shorty, but I think “From the director of photography on Throw Momma From the Train” would have been best. I’ll tune in either way.
1996 NBA Playoffs: Bulls at Knicks, Game 3, ESPN Classic, 10 pm: The Bulls finished that season 72-10, marking the single most successful campaign in league history; then they hammered the Sonics 4-2 in the Finals. So, why show Game 3 -- the Knicks’ only Conference Semis win -- here?
THURSDAY, OCT. 4
30 Rock, NBC, 8:30 pm: As Curb Your Enthusiam plods through its sixth -- and worst season -- this much is becoming clear: we all miss Jerry Seinfeld. So, three cheers for his return to primetime. Here he plays himself (did we ever know him as anything else?) in a bitter feud with Alec Baldwin’s network honcho.
Kentucky at South Carolina, ESPN, 7:30 pm: It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad conference, that SEC; especially in 2007.
Mad Men, AMC, 10 pm: Don gets opportunistic when his best friend and boss, Roger, is out of the office because of a heart attack. Ass. (Two episodes left!)
FRIDAY, OCT. 5
Footloose; Dirty Dancing, CMT, 7 pm; Showtime, 6:15: It’s a good old fashioned dance-off, people!
Friday Night Lights, NBC, 9 pm: Mixed feelings over the Season 2 premier, which already posted on Yahoo! last week. On the surface, I love it -- especially the five-minute poolside opening, backed by T Rex’s Bang a Gong -- but probably not for the same reasons that I loved the majority of last year’s episodes. Football seems to have been pushed to the background, and the final five minutes are so absurd that I debated giving up on the show altogether. (Deep breath: OK, I’ll give it another week.) What did everyone else think?
SATURDAY, OCT. 6
Oklahoma at Texas, ABC, 3:30 pm: What do you think was more disappointing to Sooner and Longhorn fans: losing last week; or knowing that the Red River Shootout will now be of 100 times less importance after their dual debacles? The pick: Oklahoma by 13.
Florida at LSU, CBS, 8 pm: You have to just hate to see games like this played so early in the season. The pick: Florida by 5.
Saturday Night Live, NBC, 11:30 pm: Did I say how much I despised last week’s episode, which LeBron hosted? Good then. I’ll give SNL ’07 a second chance, mostly on host Seth Rogen’s accord.
SUNDAY, OCT. 7
Bears at Packers, NBC, 8:15 pm: Yes, I’m a Bears fan. And yes, I think we’re as bad as our record indicates (though mostly due to injuries). But I do not believe the Packers are half as good as they seem, and I can only trust that the blue-and-orange will be the ones to bring 'em crashing back down to earth. The pick: Bears by 6.
Jets at Giants, CBS, 1 pm: What a weird season for all New York sports fans. The Giants play defense pretty much once every other week. And the Jets -- well, I can’t really seem to explain them except to note that they’ll only ever be as strong as Chad Pennington’s arm, which looked exceptionally flimsy against Buffalo. But they need this more, so I take them over the Giants in Jersey. The pick: Jets by 3.