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Garth goes to the projects
Posted: Thursday June 29, 2000 02:19 PM
SI's Grant Wahl is on vacation. While he is away, the keyboard has been handed over to special guest columnist Garth Lagerwey, a former Duke University star and the most eloquent backup goalkeeper on the Miami Fusion roster. I'm doomed. My favorite reader question last week, from Brian in Atlanta, asked how long I thought I would last writing "The Lager Way" until MLS had the Fusion release me. I thought that was pretty funny until I got John Rockered. In the morning I depart for that Parthenon of prodigies, the Project-40 developmental team, to play four minor league games. So I've gone from snot-nosed little brother (see last week) to traveling troubadour to teens. That's only indirectly why I am a goner. I mean, P-40 has got a regular training program for what, eight or nine days, they'll do my laundry and I can eat all the fast food my $41 a day will buy -- which is perfect for me. Maybe I'll even get a little nuts, try to trim up a bit and drop a couple of LBs. No, I'm not totally screwed, even though MLS, in classic, common-as-an-illiterate-peasant fashion, deduced they had no goalkeeper to play for the P-40 team a whopping 16 hours before said netminder would have to board a plane to Hershey, Pa. The real reason I'm in trouble is that while I'm off to the Chocolate Wonderland I have a female friend traveling in the Italian Alps. Who expects to arrive in Florida a day after I leave. Who won't be near a phone or the Internet due to her itinerary. Who thinks I'll meet her at the airport. I guess I'll just leave a message saying I will be as totally absent during her stay as dinosaur skeletons from the fossil record after the Mesozoic asteroid impact. With my lifestyle, I have no real reason to complain, but it is why I tell my mom that dating while playing in MLS is utterly pointless. Which brings us to the first question I sent out to my fellow MLS sportsmen. Sensational SurveyWho is the biggest ladies man in the MLS? Sure, for the married guys discretion is the better part of valor, as one hopelessly tied-down gentleman intoned. For the rest of us, top honors went to Wolde Harris of New England. "Must be the gold teeth," quipped one aspiring Shakespeare. I, for one, was perplexed at Galaxy keeper Kevin Hartman's tragic defeat. No one thinks more of his social acumen than the K-I-D (Third person isn't enough for him, so he likes to spell his own nickname. Hey, to each his own.), so I hope he doesn't take this too hard. Who's the MLS' plumpest player? Startlingly, despite last week's eloquent soliloquy, Eric Eichmann also passed the pollsters as anonymously as Marco Etcheverry in a Cuban rehab center. That's right, the MLS midfield maestro bore the strongest resemblance to the retired Maradona, according to the players. The bulbous Bolivian garnered nearly a third of all votes to win in a landslide nearly as comprehensive as his disgust with American referees. I still would personally throw my own considerable girth behind Marcelo "Marshmallow" Vega, formerly of the Metrostars. The chubby Chilean is the fattest in history by a chili cheese dog. Who's most in need of a competent barber? Foreign players also dominated this category, otherwise known as the antidote to Alexi Lalas' Best Hair awards. Valderamma earns the lengthy praise here, with a nod to Leonel Alvarez, or as one of his co-workers termed him, "Captain Hook in New England." Now, I think Leonel bears a closer resemblance to a certain Captain Morgan, but he's certainly no match for the wiggy wonder. Intense InterviewThis week's gushing gliterratti is former Fusion, Mutiny and almost Revolution great Scott Budnick. While he was not thrilled about no longer being able to gain egress to the guest bartender appearance I was scheduled for before this trip, he did agree to opine his views of P-40, relationships, and MLS. Garth: I think we play the last game of the P-40 trip in Minnesota as part of that USA cup youth tournament. Were you ever a bad boy at one of those? Scott: I tried not to be. I really did. Garth: Do you think I'll provide leadership for the youngsters? Scott: Can I be the first lemming? Over New Year's you led me to spend $60 on four burritos, one of which wound up in us instead of on us. Garth: How many players are in P-40? Scott: I think I was in it once. Being from Kentucky, I've probably played everywhere they play, but I have never started four matches in a row for anyone. Garth: One of my readers informed me that the "short-long" haircut was actually termed a "mullet" or "Kentucky Waterfall." Have you ever had one? Scott: No. But I did have a rat-tail. Garth: How are the glory years of your retirement? Scott: I don't know, how are the wonder years of your career? Tell Brian Dunseth (New England) thanks for sending me those pictures over the Internet.
Garth: Any insights on last week's "Three-pronged Plan?" Scott: Yes. I have a suggestion for the calendar. Everyone knows Cobi Jones (L.A. Galaxy). You should do it with (MLS honchos) Bill Ordower and Sunil Gulati instead. Maybe bring back (former commissioner) Doug Logan as a bonus month. Hopefully, the pinstripes on his Speedo won't remind him of the Marc Fortunat hiring. (Fortunat skipped bail after being charged with embezzlement as a Mutiny executive.) Garth: I noticed you moved in with your girlfriend as soon as you quit playing. Should I be trying to get a girl before I lose my superior conditioning? Scott: I think you will always be able to drink me under the table. Garth: Do you think this column carries enough weight with the soccer public that Georgetown should grant me a deferral so I can build my readership? Scott: Georgetown is beneath you. I refer you to Groucho Marx's comment, "I would never belong to any club that would have me as member." Garth: You are a William and Mary alum. Do you think Adin Brown is so good he could save the planet from the Psychlos of Battlefield Earth? Scott: At least in Al's (Albert, William and Mary coach) mind. How do you spell Scientology, anyway? The EndLike Charlton Heston's character in Planet of the Apes upon glimpsing the partially destroyed Statue of Liberty, I am not sure what happens from here. Thanks to everyone who read and responded the past couple of weeks. If I survive this trip, I'll try to tell the tale in some forum. If you want to see more, write my editor. Peace.
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