Spicy reactions

Readers have their say with ways to improve soccer

SI.com offered 10 ways to spice up futbol in the U.S., and readers responded as we expected -- outrage, disappointment, cursing fits. ... And some people even got upset. Others took the suggestions at face value and had fun with our take on improving soccer. For the record, Sports Illustrated's Grant Wahl had nothing to do with the SI.com list -- or these reactions:

Allow fans from the stands to be part of the penalty kick wall. How hard can it be to stand in one spot while holding the family jewels? Good times for all.
-- Nicholas, Red Bank, N.J.

Wow, thanks for making every living person in America sound like a bleeding idiot. There are actually people in this great nation who like footb ... er, soccer. It's basketball I have a problem with -- talk about a sport that has lost all integrity by dumbing down for the American viewing audience. Please, let's not do this to other sports.
-- Chris, Shreveport, La.

A dash of cayenne pepper in the jock strap. That'll get 'em moving.
-- Christopher, King of Prussia, Pa.

Watching a soccer game is about as much fun as watching paint dry. They need to spice up the celebrations after a goal, since most times you wait most of the game to see one. Here is my idea: In honor of Brandi Chastain, every time a team scores a goal, a sexy busty blonde should be sent onto the field to rip off her shirt to expose her sports bra. I know that I wouldn't leave the set until I got to see which girl it was this week who was going to rip off her top.
-- Mike, Detroit

After an unusually rough tackle, instead of handing out yellow or red cards, the player is temporarily removed from the field of play (a la the penalty box in hockey). This would make rough play more acceptable, and reduce the effectiveness of all the dives players tend to take (with no permanent repercussions for a hard foul, diving would do little more than cause a stoppage in play) Also, being caught taking a dive would warrant a five-minute "penalty box" visit. If this happened, the action would be faster, rougher, and more exciting.
-- Aaron, Altoona, Pa.

I say each team gets to place two "land mines" on its half of the field. Not big ones that take off limbs, but just to knock someone down. Think of a guy breaking down and going for a wide-open goal when -- BOOM! -- he get flipped over and his breakaway is ruined by a little old blast.
-- Phil, Derby, N.Y.

Prevent Americans from playing. This will keep it pure and free of 10-minute ad breaks. Football (soccer to you) is not about stats, so Americans will never enjoy it or understand it!
-- Andrew, Taranaki, New Zealand

Require a stop in the action every 45 seconds to allow for three minutes of network commercials. This should interest ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, ESPN, ESPN2, FOX Sports, Univision, Telemundo, Spike Lee, Spike Jones, Spike Jonze, Spike Milligan, and Snoopy's older brother Spike.
-- Richard, Akron, Ohio

I don't think there is any sport that can be hurt by the use of rabid squirrels.
-- Adam, Norman, Okla.

Sounds like a good start to making soccer watchable.
-- Michael, Fayetteville, Ark.

Anybody given a red card is tied to a post where the foul is committed and any ball bounced of his head or his groin gets a point.
-- Dan, Albuquerque N.M.

Having been a soccer player my whole life, I would really only offer one suggestion. Strippers, cause in all honesty what don't they make better?
-- Matt, Memphis, Tenn.

The best way to improve soccer in the U.S. is to eliminate it entirely. Period.
-- Steve, Las Vegas

Simple: Add another ball. If you had two soccer balls being played on the field at the same time, it would bring in a hugely exciting new element to the game.
-- R. Lanni, Toronto

Soak the players' clothes in gasoline and set the sidelines on fire, so no one will want to run out of bounds. There will be an incentive to stay in the center of the field.
-- Hess, West Bridgewater, Mass.

Give everyone a free beer each time a team scores a goal, regardless if it's the home team or not. Then we'll see a lot more people go to games. I know I would.
-- Armando, El Monte, Calif.

This is an exercise in futility. Nothing will spice up futbol enough for Americans to ever watch it. Why? Because not a damn thing ever happens. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. I remember the big hoopla surrounding the World Cup played here a few years ago. As I recall, the championship game ended, after 90 agonizing minutes, with the score 0-0. What on earth could be more boring than watching, for hours, a bunch of guys running and kicking a ball for no reason? While futbol may be a very exciting and stimulating game to play, it is the single most boring thing to watch on the planet. Nothing ever happens. I seem to recall an article I read several months ago discussing this very issue. It stated, and I paraphrase, that in the last few years participation in youth soccer leagues had increased by the millions, a rather staggering number. At the same time, interest in watching it, both live and on television, hadn't changed in any measurable way. It's not hard to figure out. It's just plain boring to watch. End of story.
-- David, Houston