FIFA strips away rights

With shirt celebration nixed, shorts could be next

Jimmy Conrad is a defender with Major League Soccer's Kansas City Wizards. He will contribute to SI.com throughout the MLS season.

Law abiders,

I have been violated by the powers that be. The governing body of soccer, affectionately known as FIFA, has stripped me of my rights.

No longer will I be able to doff my shirt in celebration of a goal and revel in a moment that transpires -- sadly, like a birthday -- once a year (though if I took penalty kicks, like Carlos Ruiz, maybe I could be in the top 10 of scoring, too).

No longer will I be able to show off all the hard work I put in at the gym. The long hours of bench-pressing 300 pounds, curling a couple of plates on each side, one-armed push-ups and countless sit-ups. I suppose you are just going to have to take my word for it from here on out that I’m a chiseled machine. Way to go FIFA.

The hair on my chest suffers as well. I’ve been growing it since birth and it needs an outlet to express itself against the villainous chest shavers of the world. You see, my chest and I are on to you infamous egotistical rogues. We see your infomercials on Fox Sports World that air right after that wonderful supplement that saves marriages, Ener-X. We see the effect it has on society. Which can only lead me to a poem:

Mailbag

Jimmy Conrad will periodically answer questions from CNNSI.com users in his mailbag.

Your name: Your E-mail Address: Your Hometown: Enter Your Question:

Hair

Without a shirt, may come a stare
Perhaps it’s due to my trail of hair.
Curly and free-flowing, it extends its reach
“Okay, everybody, who’s the Brillo pad on the beach?”

I want freedom for my skin with no intent to scare
But show my support as being staunch anti-Nair.
I don’t mind the occasional abuse or verbal attack
Because, and I must thank my gene pool, I’ve got none on my back.

-----

It appears FIFA has been swept up into the Orwellian world of rule, which at the moment happens to be in fashion, and infringed upon my constitutional right, the right to free speech.

Under the new decree, any player who takes off one’s jersey after a goal against the opposition will be punished with a yellow card. I wonder aloud with my hand on my chin (the conventional thinking pose), "If I scored an own goal, would taking off my shirt to display my unhappiness go punished? Would a referee further embarrass my already embarrassing situation with a yellow card? How dare he?"

And maybe I’m reading between the lines but I do believe it says “one’s jersey,” not one’s shorts. I doubt FIFA believes that any player under its reign would dare take their shorts off to rejoice. But I would.

I’m not afraid to display my compression shorts, a.k.a. spandex, to the world. Lance Armstrong does it daily and nobody holds him morally accountable for the visual. In fact, the only people I see who flaunt the spandex phenomenon are the people who shouldn’t be wearing it. You know the guy. Which can only lead me to a poem:

Spandex Man

Spandex Man, Spandex Man
Going to the gym like only he can.
Accessories are his power in how he subdues
Headband, tucked-in tank top, Velcro shoes.

Barely moving on the treadmill at level 0.6
He emanates his snugness while scanning for chicks.
He’s oblivious and confident, which needless to say is sad,
But it makes it even worse when that guy is your dad.

-----

Ah, to sail in an arbitrary boat on a capricious sea.

UBW!
--Jimmy Conrad

 

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