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Pinch me Full mailbag opens window into twisted little worldPosted: Wednesday August 13, 2003 5:47 PM
Jimmy Conrad is a defender with Major League Soccer's Kansas City Wizards. He will contribute to SI.com throughout the MLS season. Super Furry Animals, I can barely contain my excitement. Everything I can pinch on my body without using my fingers is pinched and the relief that I seek is eyeing me surreptitiously from around the corner. But fret not, for I've waited many moons with altruistic patience for this occurrence. And now the moment has arrived. My mailbag is full! After months of collecting notes from conspicuous family members, I have rallied up enough valid questions to pose some insightful answers. It's amazing to have this opportunity to let you in to my little world, no matter how twisted and convoluted, so keep writing in and we'll do this again!
Enjoy,
PS: I believe there is a misconception about my mailbag. Actually there are two misconceptions I need to touch upon, since I'm here. First, when you, the reader, write into the mailbag, be aware of the fact that I don't see it right away or two weeks later or even months. Once the mailbag is full (hint, hint) then I get all of your comments at once. Second, the picture of me next to my name is a misconception. I don't know how, it just is.
Questions & Answers
Hi, I was wondering what all the Wizards usually do after home games?
I can't speak for the other guys. But personally I like to strap on my running shoes, drink a six-pack of Jolt cola, and do cartwheels.
If you had to choose, would you stay with the Wizards or go back to the Earthquakes and why?
Ooh, good one. It's a question that requires me to have some semblance of seriousness. Hmm. I would stay with the Wizards without a doubt. My time with the Earthquakes is over and though I have fond memories of being there, my heart and energy is devoted to Kansas City. But thanks for putting me on the spot. (Mental note: Melissa is not allowed to ask any more questions).
Jimmy, why aren't players shooting the ball more? I'm stuck watching the same three teams on ESPN2 and these cats are afraid to shoot the ball. It's an all-game affair with both teams trying to hit a 5-foot-8 target player with errant crosses. Why Jimmy, why the hell aren't these top-flight players shooting the soccer ball? If there is a real reason like, the shoes, or, their cajones, then I'll understand. But as of right now, I'm dumbfounded.
Jason, since we're on a first name basis, what dumbfounds me is the fact that the same three teams play on ESPN2 every week. New York at Chicago. Chicago at New York. DC at New York. New York at DC. Maybe if ESPN had the cajones to show a team that shot and scored more, like my Wizards, then you wouldn't feel this way. But to answer your question, I think it's the shoes.
How well have you adjusted to Midwestern life?
I feel I'm doing the best I can. For starters, I watch the Weather Channel for a reason and have now come to accept the fact that in the summertime when I walk any distance over 10 yards, I will sweat profusely. Who wants some lame ocean breezes when you can have 100 percent humidity? Tell me Ron, WHO?!?
I'm a huge Wizards fan and I come to every game, but I was wondering, what is up with the Zardmeister and all the Wizards wearing those short shorts?
The Zardmeister officially got released from his obnoxious cheerleading duties after the first home game when kids went home crying. As for our short shorts there is only one concrete answer: They're for the ladies.
Who is the unofficial "enforcer" on the team (you know, the guy who physically reminds the other team to play nice)? Who are the most feared/respected "tough guys" in MLS, if there is such a thing?
The unofficial "enforcer" on our team who fits your definition can only be coach Bob Gansler. And as for the most feared/respected "tough guys" in MLS, I would say Ivan Gazidis and Todd Durbin in the MLS league office. They handle all of the player contracts.
I've noticed that you are very aggressive in the air, yet you don't give up many fouls. I want to know is it difficult being a superhero, and do you have any other special power you haven't told us about? Curiously looking on.
My cape and Underoos are at the dry cleaners, so if they come back a tad smaller than when I left them, that happens to be the only difficulty I run into. And if you consider debonair looks and a charming personality as special powers, then add two more to my list of extraordinary abilities.
Ten years or so from now when you retire with a room full of trophies and lots of championship rings, would you rather be a coach of some sort or a major media figure doing a weekly soccer highlights show on TV?
I think at some point I would like to coach at the college level so I can manipulate the minds of tomorrow -- perhaps at my alma mater, if they're crazy enough to hire me. But being a major media figure sounds alluring. Would I get to …
Would you or any of the soccer players on your team dress up like your favorite animal and make their noise while dancing the hokey pokey?
I had to save this one for last because it is my favorite question. All I can add is this: Where do I sign up?
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