ROCKY: We're taking a first baseman who we'll use at third, Archi Cianfrocco of the Expos. Talk about a work ethic. This is a first baseman who has grown five inches and gained 30 pounds since he was drafted five years ago. If we wanted to make him a shortstop, he would probably shrink and become Dominican for us.
MARLON: GO ahead, take Archi, you Meathead. I'm taking a first baseman who I know is a real good defensive player, Baltimore's David Segui. This guy can pick it, he's a switch-hitter, he'll hit .275 playing every day, and he can play the outfield. Plus, Segui knows about expansion. His father, Diego, was the starting pitcher in the Seattle Mariners' first game.
ROCKY: Don't forget, old Diego was 0-7 that year. We want winning players, and no one plays harder than shortstop Andy Stankiewicz, so we're picking him off the Yankees' tree.
MARLON: We don't want anybody with stank in his name, unless it's Eddie Stanky. So we'll take Kelly Gruber of Toronto. I know he makes $3.6 million, but he hit 31 homers and drove in 118 in 1990. He's only 30.
ROCKY: You know that Gruber got booed quite a bit in Toronto this year, don't you? That's the world's most polite city, so something has to be seriously wrong with the guy. Gruber's teammates say he won't play hurt, that he's lost the hunger. I'm going for hungry guys, three of them outfielders—Cleveland's Glenallen Hill, San Francisco's Darren Lewis and Texas's Monty Fariss.
MARLON: I'll fill out my outfield with Dante Bichette of the Brewers.
ROCKY: According to my cocktail napkin, you still need a catcher.
MARLON: Joe Girardi of the Cubs. Lots of catchers will be unprotected, including the Reds' Joe Oliver, and Don Slaught and Mike LaValliere of the Pirates, but Girardi can catch, throw and run.
ROCKY: O.K., so you have your team of overpriced has-beens. Which means your owner now has exactly $2.25 to pay his reserves. That is, unless he buys nachos, in which case he's busted.
MARLON: And you have your team of bargain-basement underachievers. Which means John Elway will still be the best baseball player in Denver.