Wayne Huizenga, owner of the Marlins and the Panthers, is planning an amusement complex around a ballpark and hockey arena in Florida. Detroit Red Wing owner and pizza mogul Mike Hitch envisions a Little Caesars Palace that would double as a theme park. COMSAT, owner of the Nuggets, will build a sports-and-entertainment complex in Denver, and Disney wants to pair a sports complex in Orlando with two sports-themed projects. Now that sports is getting into the theme park business, what are we going to do next? Why, we're going to....
Kids will thrill to the 80-foot drop of Take-a-Dive, Mom can visit the Primo Camera Kissing Booth and Dad will love the Magic Don Kingdom ("Only in Box-America!"). At Palookaville, see lifelike figures of your favorite stiffs set against backdrops of the gas stations and bars at which they ended up. Once a day all the over-hyped, undertalented Caucasians in boxing history march down the Great White Hope Way.
Admission is $200, parking $50, and the prices go up weekly, so work off your anger at the Fehr-Ravitch Pie Throw. The Brock-for-Broglio Tunnel of Tears features tableaux of the trades that have broken fans' hearts; in the Fans' Hall of Shame, have your picture taken alongside cardboard cutouts of Jack Nicholson, Spike Lee and Morganna and see a gallery of obnoxious spectators from Dancin' Barry to Robin Ficker. At the Virtual Reality attraction, feel what it's like to get speared by a 275-pound lineman and plunked by a 95-mph fastball while a guest athlete heckles you. And say a prayer for your team in the (Rockin') Rollen Stewart Chapel, where the Scripture passage of the day is always John 3:16.
Even the big hosses'll be shouting "Whoa, Nellie!" on the Keith Jackson roller coaster. At Telestration Station, behold the best graphic breakdowns from Madden and Fratello. Test your wits at Go to the Headset of the Class (match lines like "Yes!" and "How about that!" with the immortals who uttered them) and Three on a Set (try to get a word in edgewise on Monday Night Football). And you have our express written consent to visit Vitale Bald Mountain, provided you qualify (YOU MUST BE TALLER THAN BOB COSTAS TO RIDE THIS RIDE).
Wet 'n' Sporty
Frolic in the wave pool, where family members can douse one another with Gatorade coolers. Ride a river of ersatz knee fluid in the Floating Cartilage Barge. And you'll have a blast at the Rick Dempsey Rain-Delay Sliding Puddle.
Twenty-two Flags over the Bronx
Ride the Iron Horse, take a cruise on the Yankee Clipper and visit the Seraglio of the Sultan of Swat. Kids can ride the backs of Martin, Howser, Michael and Lemon at the Managerial Carousel. Order a soda with that Rickey Henderson hot dog and get a free Reggie Jackson Straw That Stirs at Yogi's Jellystone Park picnic area (even if it's so crowded that nobody goes there anymore). Lost the kids? Meet 'em by the monuments at the Jimmy Piersall Lost and Found.