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Scorecard
Edited by Alexander Wolff And Richard O'Brien
December 26, 1994
Double-A Big Leaguers
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December 26, 1994

Scorecard

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Wardrobe! Make That Network Sportcoat Tweed!

We're accustomed to hearing sportscasters describe and comment on the exploits of others, but the muse has called a surprising number of mike jockeys to put down the telestrator, take up the quill and provide written play-by-play and color on their own lives and work. Here's a brief deconstruction of the literary—if not always entirely literate—efforts of some of those bards in blazers.

 

Foreshadowing

Dreaded Glitch

Racy Parts

Philosophy

Marv Albert
I'd Love to But I Have a Game

As kid, does play-by-play of "Hamster Olympics" with brothers

To fill time when Soviet hockey team walks off ice, ad-libs about borscht

David Letterman's intro refers to Marv's "early marriage to Kim Novak"

"Everything I have I owe to my sneeze."

Howard Cosell
Cosell and Like It Is

As child, lies on ground to peer under fence at Ebbets Field

Tape fails, so Cosell must round up players to repeat heated interview on Dodger-Giant beanball war

At age 11, blows kiss from window to neighborhood girl Dorothy Schroeder

"Sport is merely real life in microcosm...and there is much that is wrong about life."

Harry Caray
Holy Cow!

Yells out headlines from street corner as paperboy

In scripted interview with bowler, Caray asks one question and interviewee answers another

Speculation that Caray was run out of St. Louis for sleeping with team executives' wives

"I've always looked forward to the next place I go."

Tim McCarver
Oh, Baby, I Love It!

Plays corkball in streets of Memphis while imitating Harry Carey's play-by-play

On air, refers to Expo Tim Wallach as Mike Wallace

Bob Uecker dances naked in clubhouse after Cards win 1964 Series

"There are bad days and good days, bad months and good months, bad years and...."

Ralph Kiner
Kiner's Korner

As sixth-grader, Ralph's schoolyard homers break windows, and he's hauled off by police

In live interview, comedian Phil Harris makes homophobic crack about golfer Gay Brewer's name

Esther Williams skinnydips in his pool, displaying "the greatest backstroke I've ever seen"

"Broadcasting is a lot like being married.... It pays to be compatible."

Dick Vitale
Vitale and Time Out, Baby!

Teacher tells him he's fated to get F's on oral reports

Doesn't know names of two Florida Southern players in postgame interview

Questions Dr. Ruth's credentials

"Life on the road, man. It's incredible."

Lindsey Nelson
Hello Everybody, I'm Lindsey Nelson

At age 4, climbs into cabinet of Dad's radio and begins "sportscasting"

Partner leaves booth early to tryst with lady friend; Nelson fills rain delay alone by reciting poetry from memory

Gets autograph of Lana Turner inscribed, "Do it for me"

"That's the way life is, I guess—win some, lose some."

Gary Bender
Call of the Game

While working on Dad's farm, gets hoarse doing fantasy play-by-play above roar of tractor

Loses phone line, so shimmies up telephone pole and does high school football broadcast from top

None. Bender is serious big shot in Fellowship of Christian Athletes

From Einstein: "He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand wrapped in awe is as good as dead."

Double-A Big Leaguers

One day, if they keep working at it, college football programs like Nebraska's or Penn State's might earn the right to be called the Youngstown State of Division I-A. But first they'll have to play for a national title four years in a row and win three of those games, which is what the Penguins have now done under coach Jim Tressel. SI's William F. Reed filed this report from Saturday's Division I-AA championship game in Huntington, W.Va., where each team featured a remarkable story.

In the giddy moments following Youngstown's 28-14 victory over Boise State, as fans poured onto the field to celebrate a second straight title, Tressel and several Penguin players made a point of going over to shake the hand of DaWuan Miller, the Boise cornerback who was born without a lower left arm. Though he had been beaten on a five-yard touchdown pass—"I just didn't do what I was coached to do on that play," he would say—Miller had also picked off a pass, knocked down two others and made four tackles. Tressel grabbed Miller's hand and said, "Great job, DaWuan...helluva job."

The 42-year-old Tressel loves players like Miller who have fought through tough circumstances. One of his own, senior tailback Shawn Patton, is a prime example. In 1991, after a promising freshman season, Patton was arrested on a sexual assault charge in connection with an incident at a bar. His legal problems left him struggling in the classroom, and he became academically ineligible. But instead of abandoning him, Tressel and others at Youngstown supported Patton's decision to enroll at a junior college in Cleveland, where he kept up with his academic work. Two and a half years later, after having been acquitted by a jury, he re-enrolled at Youngstown. This year Patton set the school's single-season rushing record, and after missing the Penguins' three previous appearances in the title game, he beat the Boise State defense for 140 yards, including a juking 55-yard TD run midway through the final quarter. "He knew he would always be welcome back," Tressel said. "If you make progress in the important areas, sometimes you get paid off in the superficial areas."

Did the coach of a national champion really call football superficial? If any coach has a sense of perspective, it is Tressel. He takes enormous pride in how the Penguins' success has boosted morale in the economically depressed Youngstown area, and he continues to say no when big schools come courting, trying to lure away the man who has won more games during the 1990s than any Division I coach. "I've had offers, sure," Tressel said last Saturday outside the Youngstown State locker room, where the celebration was still going strong. "But I'm very happy here."

Just then he noticed tight end Rob Robes, a senior who had to miss the title game because of an injury, walking by with a cigar in hand.

"What's this?" Tressel asked.

"It's unlit, Coach," said Robes.

"How old are you?"

"I'm 22, Coach."

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