When a sportscaster says a team must "turn it up a notch," I go to my TV and turn it down a notch.
When Brent Musburger says, "You are looking live," I am actually looking dead, bored listless from listening to blazered network ninnies repeat the same tired TV phrases, week after week, for a lifetime.
I am suffering from the "fatigue factor," a term that suffers from a fatigue factor in its own right. The next time he sees a basketball player panting, I suggest Dick Vitale allude to the "weariness index" or maybe the "exertion barometer." I'm assuming, of course, that the word tired is not in his vocabulary.
Did I write, "The word tired is not in his vocabulary"? Great Caesar's ghost, I'm becoming one of them.
If they are to win the Super Bowl next season, the San Diego Chargers will have to "take it to another level," a phrase familiar to anyone who has ever tried to return something at Macy's. And while we're on the subject of department stores, why are coaches always said to be making "wholesale" substitutions? Just once, I would like to see a general manager make "retail" changes in the off-season.
It was Torquemada, or perhaps Gary Bender, who said, "The Warriors will have to convert soon." Everyone has to "convert" these days. The Washington Redskins had better "convert on this possession," because if they are in fact possessed, they will need a Catholic priest to perform the exorcism. Teams occasionally throw the Hail Mary so that they might convert. And vice versa.
Grant Hill reminds me of "a Michael Jordan." (There are apparently several Michael Jordans out there, which would explain his omnipresence in commercials.) He reminds me of a Michael Jordan because he has "all the tools." Thus, he also reminds me of a Bob Vila.
A man with all the tools is often said—by a Dan Dierdorf—to "display a great deal of athleticism." Much as a man in need of insulin displays a great deal of diabeticism.
When Digger Phelps says, "This team can smell a victory"—and he says it incessantly—what that team really smells is Digger's metaphor mildewing. Victory smells like diesel fumes, for Vitale signals the clinching of every game with the phrase, "Start the bus." Yes, please, start the bus, and make sure these two are on it.
That's a great "golf shot." It is not a flu shot, a potshot or a shot of Wild Turkey. It's a great "golf shot" on a very challenging "golf course." It is also a redundant "golf phrase" spoken by nitwit "golf announcers" wearing silly "golf pants."