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Austin Murphy
December 11, 1995
That's what the author said as he checked out on his wife for a five-day binge of sports viewing on DirecTV
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December 11, 1995

Tell Laura I Love Her

That's what the author said as he checked out on his wife for a five-day binge of sports viewing on DirecTV

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He obeys, as would I if Kiana would just stand over me and give me orders. The fact is, Kiana is scorching. But she knows it. At the end of the show she invites viewers to join "my fitness fan club." For a fee you get a T-shirt, a subscription to her newsletter and an 8-by-10 glossy of Kiana.

10:25 a.m.: I am pouring myself a cup of coffee in the kitchen when Laura asks me, "Have you showered today?"

10:30 a.m.: Cool! World Finals Rodeo from Charleston, S.C., on the Sunshine Network. After the calf roping, the announcer throws out a teaser: "Coming up next, fast horses and pretty women in barrel racing!" I'm not going anywhere.

Barrel racer Doreen Ulery is introduced this way: "She's from Pennsylvania, New York—up in that country." She wins the event.

In the bull riding an Australian named Adam Church goes helicoptering off a snorting, furious beast. "That's a long way to come for no score," drawls our announcer.

5:30 p.m.: Time for a slow lap around the dial. Miami Heat center Alonzo Mourning is having his way against the Pistons. He will finish with 13 boards. Still, Zo is not as dominating as Mario Lemieux of the Pittsburgh Penguins, who is single-handedly taking apart the Boston Bruins. Lemieux is on his way to a four-goal performance in a 9-6 win. To keep themselves amused, ESPN2 announcers Barry Melrose and Steve Levy are quoting dialogue from Slap Shot.

Despite Grant Hill's 33 points and 11 boards, the Pistons lose to Miami. I can't decide which is more entertaining, the game itself or the brutally candid postgame outburst of Detroit coach Doug Collins, who identifies three Pistons who did a good job against Mourning, then indicts the remainder of the squad. "The rest of our guys were scared to death," Collins says. "They did not want to have anything to do with Alonzo."

You hear so much drivel at these press conferences that when someone shares a genuine emotion, it's startling.

8 p.m.: I cede the remote to Laura. Friends is on.

9 p.m.: The remote again in my possession, I decide to try Playoff Fantasy Football. On the set are Norm Hitzges and Steve Silverman.

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