Holiday Bleatings

We have a friend, Dalton, who happens to be the only postal worker in America who's not disgruntled. Every Christmas, Dalton gets out his scissors and clips the best parts out of those Xeroxed family-update letters people put in their Christmas cards. Dalton knows a hokey column when he sees one.

Dear Friends and Relations,
Thank you all so much for your cards and letters during this trying Christmas season. However, next year it would be less messy if you didn't attach them to bricks.
The Modells
(location undisclosed)

Hey, Everybody,
Well, yesterday I put up the Christmas tree, and the dang thing fell over and all the ornaments broke and the lights caught fire, so I stood it up again and the dang thing fell over again! I ask you, what are the odds of that happening two times in a row?
Barry Switzer, Dallas

Dear Friends,
I'm doing great, even after that vicious third-round knockout punch Larry Holmes gave me. I even.... (Oops. That's next week's fight.)
Peter McNeeley, Canvas, Mass.

Dear Friends and Loved Ones,
I think I'm really on to them now. They're either here or in St. Croix.
O.J. Simpson, The Bahamas

A Joyous Season to All,
If I might, I would like to clarify one last time what I said to that marvelous female journalist for whom I have the utmost respect and admiration. (But not in any sort of amorous way.) (Not that she's unattractive.) When I said, "Their boobs get in the way," I was referring to the oppressive male golf establishment that keeps these fine women golfers from achieving the equal status with male golfers that they so richly deserve (the status, that is, not the male golfers).
Ben Wright (but not lately), CBS

Dear Friends,
This is shaping up to be our happiest Christmas in many years, now that we both have our anger-control problems behind us. We've undergone hundreds of hours of therapy to rein in our hair-trigger temper9. No lon[[[ger will...just a second...this computer see:< ms to be...this damn thing))x is...THIS THING OUGHTA BE@@!SHOT.... BRING ME THE *%*# HAMMER!

Abort, retry, fail?
Benedicte and Jeff Tarango
Wimbledon

Here's hoping you all lave a great Christmas!
Frank Gifford
Monday Night Football

Frank, I agree with you completely. In fact, I hope even more than you do that hey have not only a great Christmas, but also the best Christmas ever!
Dan Dierdorf