Gimme the disk. Gimme the biscuit. I wanna go top shelf. I wanna go five hole. I wanna be on Hockey Night in Canada and have somebody say to me, "Keep it goin', eh?"
Are you kiddin' me? The Colorado Avalanche has always been my team! I was there from the beginning! Well, O.K., the beginning of the second-round playoff series with Chicago, but look at me now! I'm a regular Avalanche Flake! I've bet the ranch on the 'Lanche! I've come down with a horrible case of the Uwe Krupp! Telling you, when our guys get in one of those sure-handed situations, don't even try to talk to me.
Yeah, we in Denver hear the people in the East saying we don't deserve all this after only one season with the Avs. One guy wrote in the Rocky Mountain News that we haven't suffered enough, that we have no idea what we're watching, that we were just lucky to get a team as good as the old Quebec Nordekes. They make fun of us just because our governor, Roy Romer, introduced our best player, Joe Sakic, as Joe Kasic one day and that The Denver Post last week had a bit about Wayne Gretsky.
Well, those hockey blue bloods can kiss my butt end, because they have no idea what we'd been through here. You want me to list all the hockey teams we've suffered through since 1950? O.K.—the Denver Falcons, the Denver Mavericks, the Denver Invaders, the Denver Spurs, the Colorado Rockies, the Colorado Flames, the Denver Rangers and the Denver Grizzlies. I personally never went to any of their games, but I'm sure somebody suffered!
We have just as much right as anybody else to go nuts at seeing our guys floorchecking the hell out of somebody. Or to thrill at our coach's riverboat gambler's style, like in the middle of a game when he pulls our goalie to the bench while the puck is live just to taunt the other team! And to have the 'Lanche pull off a trade for the great Lemieux and see him make his comeback after all his health problems, it's just so fantastique!
Man, it's great to have McNichols Madness going again. No more sitting there year after year wondering if the Nuggets' Dikembe Mutombo will ever master the difficult two-hand catch. Besides, if you don't love the hockey, what else is there? I mean, have you taken a look at the NBA playoffs this season? By the end of last week there had already been six games won by 30 points or more, 14 by 20 points or more. No series had gone seven games and only one had gone six. Every play in the NBA is basically feed it into someone like Shaq and watch him hurl two guys to the side, dunk violently and film a commercial on the way back downcourt. The hype has completely devoured the hoop, unless you think Dennis Rodman's wearing the latest from Victoria's Nightmare is good for the game.
Have you watched the hockey? Every game seems to go to double overtime, with two guys dying at the blue line and somebody winning it by stretching out parallel to the ice and flicking the puck past a sprawled-out goaltender who will need the hyperbaric chamber for three weeks right after the red light goes on. The six-game Avs-Blackhawks series had four overtime games, including one that went into double OT and one that went triple, and they set up more than a few quadruple bypasses at Denver General.
You gotta remember something: This city has never won a world championship in any of the four major sports, and we've been trying since 1960. At this point we would get behind a team led by Mussolini if we thought there were a title in it.
No, sir. Denver might never be the same. The other day at a charity auction, an autographed John Elway jersey sold for $600, boxing gloves signed by Muhammad Ali went for $2,000 and a Joe (Saks) Sakic jersey signed by all the Colorado players went for $3,450. Six months ago, if you would have said a Saks would go for $3,450, we would've figured you meant a designer original down at the mall.
I don't even recognize myself anymore. I'm saving up for a Zamboni. I'm looking for a summer home in Medicine Hat. I'm shaving with a Lady Byng. I wanna torch my stick. I wanna kiss the post. And to think I used to think a Stanley cup had something to do with an athletic supporter and a drill.