1) A Lou Holtz press conference.
2) Status Spitting. My friends and I did this on the playground in the seventh grade to be cool. Done with great disdain, it involved spitting every 3.7 seconds for no reason.
3) Defensive Spitting. The best way to keep your sister from taking a sip of your Dr. Pepper.
4) The Lou Costello. This is a fine, wide spray with very little physical effect, personified by the famous face-drenching routine of the comedy team Abbott and Costello.
5) The Pollenex Shower Massage. A spontaneous assault in which the spitter unloads whatever moisture happens to be in his mouth. Alomar's misting of umpire John Hirschbeck fits here.
7) Lung parts.
Still, the Alomar incident made for the best spitting story since 1991, when Charles Barkley tried to spit on an unruly fan and hit a little girl by mistake. Later, Barkley issued perhaps the only errant-spit explanation in sports history: "I was tired, and because of that the spit in my mouth was foamy. That's why it sprayed."
So next time, Roberto, kick the ump's socks full of dirt. Give him a Pearle Vision Center gift certificate. Tell him, "Yeah, your mama's a hooker, but at least she can work the corners." But never, ever, spit in an umpire's face. You'll never talk your way out of it. Besides, the foam defense has already been used.