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In a Pig's Eye
Rick Reilly
November 04, 1996
Will women ever be as boorish about football as men? Do you really want an answer?
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November 04, 1996

In A Pig's Eye

Will women ever be as boorish about football as men? Do you really want an answer?

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Sportswriter Sally Jenkins has a lot of nerve. In her new book, Men Will Be Boys, she mocks men's obsession with football. She says that football is not so much a game as a cleverly disguised homoerotic exercise. And she charges that it is nothing more than an "excuse for female exclusion."

To which we men say, "Uh, what?" on account of the game was on and the Redskins were moving the ball and....

What we really say is, "God, please don't let women take football." They've taken everything else: cigars, indiscriminate ogling, boxer shorts and Dennis Rodman. If they take football, all we have left is coughing twice and taking out the trash.

How about we give them World Series mound conversations instead? No woman in history has ever been part of a World Series mound conversation! Here, for the first time, I will reveal the secrets of your average World Series mound conversation, score tied, ninth inning, Game 7.

Catcher (scratching): Man, I'm just so sick of squatting.

Pitcher (spitting): Chafes?

Catcher (scratching and spitting): And how!

Besides, women already have television. Every male character on TV is now a bumbling buffoon ( Homer Simpson, Al Bundy, Frank Gifford) waiting to be bailed out by an ingenious, caring and far superior woman (Marge, Peg, Kathie Lee). Every commercial is now the same stuff women used to rail at men about—five women watching a guy's butt. And if a screenplay doesn't end with the jilted wife blowing up her ex's house, Porsche and seven-iron, Hollywood won't make it.

Here's the worst part: Jenkins insinuates that, given half a chance, women could be every bit as obsessed, stupid and piggish about football as men. To which we men say, "Eat our six-foot party hoagie." We don't believe such a woman exists. To find out, we have compiled our Inclined to Swine Football Test for Women. There are no right answers (except c).

1) Your husband left you a month into this season because...

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