The general manager of the sagging NBA franchise has made a decision. Providence College's 6-foot sophomore guard God Shammgod has declared himself eligible for next month's draft. The general manager wants to pick him No. 1, make him the foundation of the franchise. "I have to do it," the general manager says. "If the Ping-Pong ball comes out in our favor, I'll have to go with God."
The general manager's assistants are shocked. They've scouted a zillion college basketball games, and they thought everyone had agreed that 6' 10" Tim Duncan of Wake Forest should be the first pick, with maybe Keith Van Horn of Utah second and Ron Mercer of Kentucky third. On all of the scouting reports God was rated as no better than a low pick in the first round, maybe even a second-rounder.
"I don't care about your reports," the general manager says. "I have faith in God. Duncan might be tall, and Van Horn might be able to score, and Mercer might be a great athlete, but God is God. How many times have we said, 'God help us,' when we had to play the Bulls, or the Knicks, or just about anybody wearing sneakers? Well, here's the chance. God can help us.
"A team with God on its roster surely would get all the loose balls. The referees ... do you think the referees would call those ticky-tacky fouls on God? Never. God would be an unbelievable gate attraction. Come to the CoreStates Center or the Great Western Forum to get a good look at God! God against Shaq! God against Karl Malone! God, one-on-one, with Michael! Only God can stop Michael. Isn't that the thinking? O.K., let's get it on! Let's see how Dennis Rodman reacts when he finally has to stare God straight in the eye! Whoa!"
"Our reports say that, uh, God is a little on the smallish side," one of the assistants says.
"Not to worry," the general manager says. "God is all powerful. He works in mysterious ways. He can be all things to all people. Get him out on the floor, in front of the crowd, God will be everywhere."
"His outside shot is a little suspect, too," another assistant says.
"God will be there when you need him," the general manager says. "That's his history. You just have to believe in him. I'll tell you what, the end of a game, down three, time running out, I'd rather have the ball and the game in the hands of God than in the hands of anyone in this league. Just when all hope seems gone, when you're at your lowest, your absolute worst, is when God usually intervenes. God, not Allen Iverson, not anybody else, will be the answer."
"Still, he'll be just a rookie."
"Not really. He may be new to this Godless league, but God is not a rookie. He has seen what there is to see. God is all knowing. I'll bet you that God has seen things that you and I haven't even imagined."