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A Solomonic Solution to Realignment
Randy Alfred
September 15, 1997
For some fans baseball is a religion. It all depends on how deeply you believe in the game
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September 15, 1997

A Solomonic Solution To Realignment

For some fans baseball is a religion. It all depends on how deeply you believe in the game

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Every Reform game is on TV, but it's always cable TV. Some Conservative games are on cable, some on free TV, some not on TV. Orthodox games are broadcast on radio only, the way Mel Allen intended.

In the Orthodox game, "The strike zone is that area over home plate the upper limit of which is a horizontal line at the midpoint between the top of the shoulders and the top of the uniform pants, and the lower level is a line at the hollow beneath the kneecap." In the Conservative game, the strike zone is what the umpire says it is. In the Reform game, the strike zone is what the centerfield camera says it is.

The Orthodox serves only food that is "kosher for ballparks," namely beer, soda, hot dogs, Polish sausages, peanuts and Cracker Jack. Wine is prohibited. The Conservative allows Orthodox food plus pizza, nachos and wine. Reform stadiums offer franchise fast food.

No such sectarian divisiveness afflicts other pro sports: NFL team owners have reconstituted themselves as the College of Cardinals and replaced the commissioner with a pope, and the NBA is governed by 29 mullahs and an ayatollah.

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Orthodox League 1 0 0
Reform League 1 0 0
Conservative League 1 0 0
United States 8021 0 232
Hawaii 372 0 3