Need An Excuse? Take It From The Pros

Hey, kids! Next time you're in serious doo-doo, do what big leaguers do: Deny, alibi and justify! It's easy with this handy annotated excuse card! Just cut it out, keep it in your pocket and use it the next time the heat's on you!

I didn't do anything wrong.[1] I was taking allergy medication.[2] I don't think I was inflicting any danger on myself or others on the road. I was feeling fine.... I don't think I failed the tests.[3]

Don't forget, I'm 60 years old.[4] I was sleepy, very sleepy. Plus, I was very dazed by the accident.[5] Besides, how am I supposed to walk a straight line with my recurrent knee injury?[6]

I was harassed by the police, the whole nine yards.[7] The police arrested me to cover up their own negligence.[8] The officer disrespected me in front of my peers.[9]

I didn't do any. It was just the significant amount of time that I spend (around) marijuana users.[10] I did send him information.... That's all I sent.... But there was no drugs in it.[11]

It's all lies.... There was some high jinks going on. Partying.[12] I was told it was a good place to get a deep-tissue massage.[13] Actually, I'm shocked and amazed to be arrested at all in this matter.[14] And these handcuffs are scratching my Rolex.[15]

They were flimsy, anyway. All you had to do was sit on them, and they'd break.[16] Plus, I'm overweight. I put on a lot of weight in the off-season, and it makes me unstable.[17]

This is character assassination...false assumptions, misrepresentations and innuendos.[18] This is the greatest travesty I've ever seen.[19] I've been verbally abused.[20] Even if I did do this, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?[21]

Well, that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.[22]

[1] Anaheim Mighty Ducks defenseman Dmitri Mironov after swearing at a referee, smashing his stick, nearly hitting an official and getting a game misconduct penalty.