What about all that junk you told the media before Super Bowl XXXI? You said the reason Jesus was crucified is became he messed up the economy. "He started healing people, and the doctors got mad," you said. "He started raising people from the dead, the funeral home people got ticked." And when he multiplied the loaves and fishes, Red Lobster sued, right?
"It's in the Bible!"
That's another thing. When I gave you the Bible, I never dreamed it'd be the only book you'd ever read. We put it together 2,000 years ago, Reg! Do you know the Bible has been edited and rewritten by different factions dozens of times, often for their own political ends? You quote it as if it just hit the shelves on Thursday!
There are sirens and flashing lights behind the Suburban now.
Also, there was that time you spoke at an inner-city high school in Knoxville and proudly admitted you beat your kids! You said, "I make sure every time they get out of line, they get 42 inches." You think this makes me happy, Reg? A 300-pound defensive end beating a kid with a belt? You think I like people treating my most precious gifts like that?
Trembling, White pulls over. A policemen walks up. It's God, holding a basketball. White rolls down his window.
Look, just tackle people, do good deeds and shut up, O.K., Reg?
Terrified, White nods.
Now, I need a favor. Can you get me Michael Jordan's autograph? My Son's a huge fan.