Hey, This Turning 40 Ain't So Bad After All

2:00—Lunch of BBQ wings, chili-cheese fries and Guinness.

2:08—Wipe face on club blazer of nearby member.

2:30—Enjoy leisurely warmup. Certain rich cablinasian pays up on long-drive contest.

2:45—Tee off with Sultan of Brunei, Bill Gates and Tom Lehman. Tom and I agree to take bastard sandbaggers on, $100,000 a hole, straight up, except Tom gets one floating mulligan on par-5s.

2:47—Katarina Witt and entire cast from Hooters on Ice drive up in golf cart and ask if we need anything from their roving, complimentary, single-malt-scotch bar.

4:15—After playing front nine in 90 minutes and 35 shots, agree to let Sultan and Microchip Boy press the back.

6:00—Sign for satisfying 64, highlighted by aces on tricky 15th and 16th. Score qualifies for this week's Masters.

6:05—Bets settled, I graciously buy a beer for losers to share. Sultan leaves somewhat abruptly but not before signing over deed to Florida panhandle.

6:10—Plane departs. Lawrence Phillips sucked into engine upon takeoff.

6:15—On flight back caddie gives relaxing casaba-oil massage; then a nap.