Turned 40 recently. Asked what I wanted, I said, "The Perfect Day."
6 a.m.—Alarm rings.
6:01—Smash alarm with two-iron.
9:15—Wake up on own.
9:16—Reintroduce self to Heather Locklear.
9:20—Gabrielle Reece brings breakfast in bed—wearing only sports page.
9:21—Open sports page.
10:21—Read sports page. See that Bobby Knight and Albert Belle hospitalized after freak revolving-door accident.
10:30—Enjoy wholesome breakfast of BBQ chicken wings, chili-cheese fries and Guinness. Forget to eat anything good for colon.
10:42—Wipe face on guest towels.