Our impression of baffled Bob Baffert, the trainer who is still recovering from the shock of seeing Real Quiet (left), the supposed second-best colt in his stable, win the Kentucky Derby, as the babbling Ray Babbitt (a.k.a Rain Man): "Not a quick horse, not a quick horse. Real Quiet not a quick horse. Three minutes to post time, three minutes to post time. Indian Charlie faster faster. Indian Charlie faster than Real Quiet. Churchill Downs Real Quiet eight to one odds. Indian Charlie five to two odds. Indian Charlie faster. Real Quiet three wins 13 races. Indian Charlie four wins five races. Pimlico track one and three sixteenths of a mile equals 6,270 feet. Indian Charlie. Real Quiet. Three weeks to Belmont, three weeks to Belmont. Triple Crown Real Quiet."
?ABC, 4:30 PM
Oilers at Stars
The crease is a dead zone. Western Conference top seed Dallas is in misery. Why? The rabid play of Cujo. Through Sunday, Edmonton goalie Curtis (Cujo) Joseph had three shutouts in the postseason and was the main reason this second-round series was tied at a game apiece. Cujo benefited from a staunch defense that permitted only 15 shots in the Oilers' 2-0 Game 2 victory last Saturday. For Dallas it will be up to center Mike Modano (right), the shining Star who had nine playoff points, to make the most out of this night's shifts.
? ESPN, 7:30 PM
Braves at Astros
Roaches and disco diva Gloria (I Will Survive) Gaynor are no more resilient than Houston. In the past 13 months the Astros have been 1) bombarded, as in a major league-record 100 batters hit by pitches last season (second baseman Craig Biggio was plunked a National League-high 34 times); 2) swept by Atlanta in a Division Series; 3) nearly vacuumed up by the devastating tornado that spun through their Kissimmee, Fla., spring training complex; and 4) mowed down by Cubs rookie Kerry Wood in his record-tying 20-strikeout performance on May 6 (page 48). Yet at week's end Houston (22-13) was first in the Central Division, right-fielder Derek Bell was second in the league in batting with a .374 average, and Biggio (right) topped the big leagues in stolen bases (15).
?TBS, 8 PM
Remember when Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" would parody sportscasters as bombastic loudmouths in even louder sport coats? That was back back back back back before ESPN anchors such as Chris Berman, Bob Ley and Dan Patrick—the trio that will host this anniversary episode—rescued the species from its primordial soup, turning Sports-Center into a nightly staple that led to a severe curtailment of such trivial diversions as reading, flossing and sleeping. Tonight's 90-minute version will feature highlights (and bloopers) from the first 18 years.
? ESPN, 11 PM
Juventus vs. Real Madrid
The quadrennial World Cup aside, the annual Champions Cup is the Super Bowl of soccer. Although Turin-based Juventus and Real Madrid rank first and second, respectively, in alltime victories among European clubs, they have never met in a Champions (n� European) Cup final. Juventus, making its third appearance in as many years, is led by French midfielder Zinedine Zidane. Last January, Zidane, an immigrant from Algeria, christened the Stade de France, site of July's World Cup final, with a goal in France's 1-0 win over Spain. Real Madrid, winner of the first five European Cups (1956 to '60), will rely on the leg of Brazilian striker Roberto Carlos in hopes of ending a 32-year Cup drought.
? ESPN2, 2:30 PM
ALL TIMES EASTERN. SCHEDULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE.