Thank you, graduates. Please be seated. It's an honor to address the college athletes who are going on to the pros this year. If I may, I'd like to offer just a few pieces of advice.
Every now and again turn off Nintendo, shut off Spectravision and open a book. We already have enough jocks who think the Brothers Karamazov are the WWF tag-team champs.
If you ever hear yourself saying, "They offered me $81 million? That's an insult!" find a tire iron, go into a quiet room and hit yourself very hard on the shin.
Marry someone who has never heard of you.
Now that you've made it, practice twice as long as you did in college. The hardest worker in the NBA is Michael Jordan. What does that tell you?
If you write a book, read it before it comes out.
Be careful with your money. Write your own checks. None of this power-of-attorney crap. Get an agent and a lawyer, and tell each the other's a crook.
Shock the world: Apologize when you screw up.
Don't buy a Vanderbilt mansion just because you can. Do you know how many 50-room jock palaces I've been in with two rooms' worth of furniture?
Never, ever rip a teammate.