"Ding-ding-ding! The USGA isn't worried about Augusta! It's worried about places like Merion! Those guys want to have U.S. Opens there so they can drive their Cadillacs down from Westchester and tell their friends how they skulled a three-iron into the hole at 15 once!"
I mentioned that it looks as if the Royal & Ancient is going to back the USGA in all this, out of worry that St. Andrews might become obsolete.
"What did John Daly shoot to win there in '95?"
"What did Tony Lema win with there in '64?"
"Ding-ding-ding! I mean, why stop here? Why not go back to the gutta-percha and hickory shafts? Let's all wear ties and knickers and shoot 301 to win the Open! I'm not going to take it anymore! Do you realize millions of people have some variation of the Big Bertha in their bag? I've already called Bill Gates! Do you realize what kind of boycott we could stage? Tell them all to stop sending their money to the USGA! Tell them to rip off their USGA bag tags! Tell them to take free drops out of lateral hazards! We'll make the USGA obsolete!"
I gave up. I told Two Down that I respected his decision and would back him all the way, no matter how long he was stuck down there, even if it meant the end of our regular Saturday game.
There was a long pause. "Three a side, in-flight presses and doublebacks when you're down?" he finally asked.