As I write this, Two Down, my golfing buddy, has barricaded himself in his basement and said he's not coming out. His wife asked me to try and talk some sense into him over the phone.
"I already told my wife!" he screamed. "And I'm telling you! I'm not giving her up! Divorce me! Disgrace me! I just don't care!"
"You're having an affair?" I asked.
"No! My Big Bertha! She means everything to me!"
This all happened after Two Down broke 100 for the first time, this morning at our club, Ferret Acres. While he was figuring out how many emergency presses he'd won, plus Giant Skins and Team Junk, Two Down heard a guy on TV say the USGA is considering banning titanium drivers like his Big Bertha, not to mention long-shafted clubs, 60-degree lob wedges, long putters and hot balls. It's even considering changing the 14-club rule to 12 or 11. If all that happens, Two Down will be left with about three ball markers and his Alien Wedge.
His face went clammy. His eyebrow started twitching. He stopped punching the calculator. By suppertime, he had fried out. "I'm serious!" he yelled over the phone. "I've got a ball-mark repair tool in here, and don't think I won't use it!"
I tried to get him to listen to reason.
"Reason? All these comb-overs at the USGA in their blue blazers are trying to ruin their own golf boom! Is that reasonable? I mean, how constipated can one group of human beings be? These guys with initials at the beginning of their names and Roman numerals at the end? They're taking all the fun out of the game!"
I told Two Down that USGA president F. Morgan Taylor Jr. is worried that these clubs are making the game too easy.
"Too easy! How long have I been a 30 handicap?"