The Ballad Of Joe Moock And Other Mets Hot Cornermen Who Weren't So Hot

In their 36-year history the New York Mets have employed an astonishing 112 men at third base. In other words, the Mets change third basemen as often as most sportswriters change their underwear. Which is to say, as many as five times a year, whether they need to or not.

With that in mind, we commissioned one such housebound scribe to pen a Homeric epic on the Mets' third base jinx. Composed in secret (code name: the Flushing Project), the result is a bold new genre—part Mother Goose, part Dr. Seuss, you might call it Mother Seuss. Or Dr. Goose. Whatever the case, we think it will become an important convention in journalism: the epic nursery rhyme.

WALLY BACKMAN
Was a lousy third sackman
Like 100-odd other Met vets—
From FELIX MANTILLA
To BOBBY BONILLA,
Who cursed like a man with Tourette's.

GARY CARTER
Made third base look harder
Than walking on fresh-waxed linoleum.
BUTCH HUSKEY
Was so often rusty
He whirlpool-bathed in Rust-Oleum.

TEDDY MARTINEZ
And CHICO FERNANDEZ:
Together they gave the Mets nada.
One part rum
And two parts bum
Make a FERNANDO VI�A colada.

BILL SPIERS
Seldom inspires
Comparisons to those who played well.
HUBIE BROOKS
Played like a Brooks—
Not Robinson, sadly, but Mel.

CHUCK HILLER
Was worse than KEITH MILLER
Who was worse than ELLIOTT MADDOX.
The two Mr. EDS*
Who played third for the Mets
Were quickly returned to their paddocks.

BOB ASPROMONTE
Was not the full 'monte—
That was his big brother Ken.
TATUM and GRAHAM
Had hands made of ham.
RICH PUIG belonged in a pen.

TIM BOGAR
Was no Humphrey Bogart—
He was not even Lauren Bacall.
And CARLOS BAERGA
Needed Viagra
Just to get wood on the ball.

JACK HEIDEMANN
Was a Flintstone vitamin—
A man who got eaten alive.
As for WAYNE GARRETT,
He never could snare it—
His vanity plates read E-5.