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World Cup Lessons We Have Learned
Rick Reilly
July 13, 1998
There are three great shames in America today: 1) 98.3% of us are hideously obese; 2) Zima; 3) we suck at soccer.
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July 13, 1998

World Cup Lessons We Have Learned

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We need Bill Laimbeer. How a team does in the World Cup is determined mostly by its players' ability to reenact the death scene from Othello after an opponent so much as sweats on them. There have not been this many healthy men faking serious injury since the Vietnam-era draft. One player, Bebeto of Brazil, always looks as if the surgeons will have to come out and take the leg off right then and there. In one game a guy got carried off on a stretcher, recovered miraculously, hopped off and rejoined the game. He'll play for Lourdes in the fall.

We lose too well. When Colombia's Andres Escobar accidentally put the ball in his own net to suffer the ultimate embarrassment—losing to us—in the 1994 World Cup, an angry fan shot and killed him. This is much too harsh, of course, but a broken collarbone would work, yes?

Anybody seen Scott Norwood?

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