Please, somebody, Stop them.
They're making our ballparks unsafe. They're causing fisticuffs and all-out brawls. They require extra police protection. Yes, they're the dreaded....
Don't be fooled! They may look huggable, but so does Drew Barrymore. If we aren't careful, these little bags of beans will take over sports altogether!
No? No? Look what Beanie Babies did to last week's All-Star Game in Denver. All those who entered Coors Field were given a little stuffed bear named Glory and a little card to prove they got him at the game. Sound fine? Pah! It was like the fall of Saigon. Marauding Beanie Baby collectors hounded fans, begging them to sell their Glorys. Some offered as much as $500. One lady had a sign: WILL SELL MY CHILD FOR GLORY. There was a brawl at one stadium gate. Police had to take over distribution. One All-Star volunteer was charged with stealing a box of the little demon beasts. Of course, the box of 27 bears was said to be worth about $4,000 on the street.
Listen, these little buggers will corrupt your soul. Before the New York Mets gave away Batty die Bat on Sunday, they had to hire 24-hour security to guard the boxes for four days. Hey, you never know when a pack of eight-year-olds is going to tunnel up from Brooklyn.
Earlier this season, in Detroit, people started arriving at Tiger Stadium at 6:30 in the morning for a 7:30 p.m. game. Were they dying to see Ken Griffey Jr.? Nah. Stripes the Tiger, a four-ounce legume receptacle. For a Cubs day game at Wrigley Field, obsessed Beanie weenies sat out in lawn chairs beginning at midnight. They wanted Daisy the Cow, a memorial to die late Harry Caray. Daisy is now valued at more than $500. Harry who?
This is what it has come to in sports: Why give a $10 million-a-year contract to Randy Johnson when Smoochy the Frog ( Busch Stadium, St. Louis, Aug. 14) will sell out the house a lot cheaper? Why sign bonus babies when you can sign Beanie Babies? You know what's next, right?
Superstar slugger: Uh, you wanted to see me, Skip?
Manager: Yeah, Reggie. Tough luck. You've been traded to the Padres. We got a helluva deal, though—30,000 Lucky the Ladybugs.