The Shag Bag

Pak Talk: Reporters who would never quote a Southern golfer as saying, "Ah reckon ah done good" keep quoting Se Ri Pak in pidgin English. Last week Pak was widely quoted as saying of her riotous galleries, "They make big loud. I feel more better with big crowd."

No Jack City: Gimpy-hipped Jack Nicklaus has been jilted by Donald Trump. The Golden Bear's Paragon Construction International Co. had been building the Donald a $40 million golf resort in Palm Beach, Fla., until Trump, who reportedly felt that Jack's firm was moving too slowly, dumped him for another builder.

Five Alive: Gil Morgan may have stolen Hale Irwin's thunder at the Senior Players Championship, but it's Irwin who is working on the streak of '98. No one has played a full season without missing the top 10 at least once, but Irwin has yet to miss the top five in any Senior event this year.

Slow-footed: Shoe salesmen are bemoaning the sluggish sales of Nike's black-and-red Tiger Woods signature golf spikes (below), which sell for more than $200. "A disaster," one retailer calls the Tiger line. Another complains that the spikes "look like bowling shoes."

What's New, Pussycat? Is Woods, who clouted a 440-yard drive at Royal Birkdale on Monday but seems ever more prone to sudden train wrecks, exasperating his caddie? One truism on Fluff Cowan's Web site (www.fluffsite.com) this week is, "Remember, you don't have to go for every shot."

The 20th Hole: "Boomers are hustling to reinvent the rituals of loss," writes undertaker Thomas Lynch in The New York Times. The last word in cremation: a designer urn shaped like a golf bag.

No Caddy, Thanks: Connecticut businessman Tom Graham qualified for the U.S. Senior Open last week, but don't expect him to turn pro. At a pro-am last year, Graham noted that a Cadillac was being offered for a hole in one. "I had car trouble this morning. Which way does the green break?" he asked just before acing the hole. Graham declined the car to preserve his amateur status, but it found a home when a pro in the next group aced the hole.

Child's Play: Todd Miller, son of Johnny, tied for fifth at last week's Junior Tournament of Champions in Coto De Caza, Calif. Kevin Stadler, scion of the Walrus line, came in 11th behind winner John Lepak.

Fussy Zoeller: Fuzzy Zoeller has sued Florida Today over a satire the newspaper published in which he was quoted as saying, "Hey, what about that Japanese golfer, Marry Yo Mama.... I wouldn't mind if he won. I kind of like egg rolls." Zoeller's lawsuit seeks damages for a "false, misleading and dishonest article."

Speed Bump: Casey Martin hit a 30-yard tee shot during last week's Quad City Classic. Martin's duffed drive off the 18th tee on Saturday contributed to a 73 that knocked him out of the hunt, but he rallied for a final-round 69 and earned $3,178 for 66th place.