How are you with condoms?
Anything you might know about them could help No. 1-ranked Ohio State win college football's national championship.
If Buckeyes junior All-America linebacker Andy (the Big Kat) Katzenmoyer does a lousy job on his summer-school paper about condoms, he might not pass his AIDS awareness course. If he flunks AIDS awareness, he can't play. And if he can't play, Ohio State's entire season could go splat.
Also, do you know anything about golf? That's another course Katzenmoyer has to pass. Also, music. Golf, music and condoms. Sounds like a weekend with the President.
"It's my fault," says Katzenmoyer. "I know if I don't play, it'll be all my fault."
It's funny about Katzenmoyer. He can fend off three linemen the size of small duplexes and grab a 230-pound running back by the bottom lip and plant him like a rhododendron, but he can't seem to get his butt out of bed for class. That's why he had to go to summer school in June and July (he passed tennis, communications and Arabic culture) and why he's there again this month.
August is the Big Kat's last chance. If the grades for his three intellectually daunting courses (Golf 1, Music 140, AIDS: What Every College Student Should Know), which are due on Sept. 4, don't raise his cumulative GPA to at least 2.0, then the man who may be the best player in the nation will be academically ineligible from Sept. 5, when Ohio State opens its season at West Virginia, until mid-December.
(Aside to Andy: Academically ineligible is French for world's largest clipboard boy.)
Which is why, if I were an Ohio State fan, I would have stood outside his apartment window every morning at 6:30 with a brick, hot coffee and, if necessary, Metallica.
"My only concern," says Ohio State coach John Cooper, "is that if they're in [summer-school] classes, they're not on the practice fields, and that affects us, because they're behind."