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Conclusion: You are a cheap, hideous man in a cheap, hideous tuxedo. You have the mental capacity of a pineapple and roughly the same complexion. You are bald, impotent but oversexed—a chain-smoking, gun-toting, debt-saddled, bet-addled, tax-evading, doll-inflating cable pirate. In short you are the embodiment of a nation's ideals, the totem of a highly-prized demographic, the quintessential consumer of American sports.
You are Everyfan. I pray to God we never meet.
*Every word or phrase referred to in this column appeared in a recent ad in a sports section of a major American newspaper or in a � sports magazine, or in a commercial during a TV sports program.