Nebraska will come back as Lincoln School of Lug Nut Technology, everybody's favorite nonconference Twinkie, and set a national record for most games lost 77-0.
The Lug Nut Tech coach will be Lou Holtz.
Dominique Moceanu will be a happy, carefree girl who's the first in her class to reach puberty. Her best friend will be the happy, carefree Se Ri Pak.
Marge Schott will be a chain-smoking Chihuahua.
Latrell Sprewell will return as an eyeless cave flatworm, owing to the karmic law that dictates each soul to come back in a life form equal to or greater than its last.
Magic Johnson gets to start over.
Don King's vocabularosity will not contain enough splenditudinous verbiosage to keep his ass out of jail.
Renee Richards will come back as whatever she wanted to come back as before she came back as what she is now.
Travis Roy will break the NHL record for games played.
Roy Firestone will be a superstar athlete with something to hide.