Reincarnation By Extrapolation

Pssst. Wanna see something? A guy I know in upper, upper, upper management let me get a look at what we'll all be doing in the next life.

Turns out your mom was right. What goes around, comes around. Beggars will know feast, gluttons will know famine and Dick Vitale will be a mime. Also....

Phil Knight will work 18-hour days in a sweatshop in Jakarta and go through his entire life barefoot.

Mike Tyson will grow up with loving parents in a happy home, be able to process his anger through quilting and become an award-winning florist.

Mary Lou Retton will be Manute Bol and vice versa.

Spike Lee will have season tickets in the last row of the Alamodome, behind a pole, right next to Crazy George.

Sports agents will continue to be parasites and leeches (and I'm not speaking figuratively).

Albert Belle will be a frightened 98-pound baseball writer with a speech impediment.

Wilt Chamberlain will be smaller than Simon Birch and score less than Don Knotts.

Carmen Electra will be wed in a beautiful church, stay married for 75 years and have a handsome, faithful husband who never once asks to wear her teddies.