The Embraceable Replace-a-bulls

The Old Bulls used to have to sneak through the hotel kitchen to get to the bus. The Replace-a-Bulls go right out the front door, like CPAs do. The other night in Salt Lake City there was a crowd of four waiting out front to see them, and one of those was a Saint Bernard.

The Old Bulls swaggered into town, crushed whatever feeble set of slugs the local citizens propped up in front of them and men gambled the whole flight home. USA Today's Danny Sheridan made the Replace-a-Bulls 100,000 to 1 to win the NBA title.

Yet you root for them because their coach, Tim Floyd, fell for the old bait and switch, thinking he was coming to town to date Pamela Anderson and getting Louie Anderson instead. You root for them because they had every right to get fricasseed by Utah and nearly beat the Jazz instead, losing 104-96. You root for them because they're in maybe the worst spot in NBA history, and they don't whine.

Their only problem is they're about as savvy as Cub Scouts. In the fourth quarter last Friday, Harper was kneeling at the scorer's table, waiting to go back in, when he saw John Stockton getting ready to feed Karl Malone for the four millionth time. "Screen-and-roll!" Harper hollered. "Screen-and-roll!" Seventeen thousand at the Delta Center saw it coming, but not a single Replace-a-Bull on the court. In a flash Malone had the ball back in Stockton's hands for an easy five-footer. Harper slapped his forehead.

"It's all right, Ronnie!" some wiseacre called down from the stands. "Only 49 left!"

But then, excellent.