America's deer came up losers again this year on opening day of hunting season, getting trounced 11,476 to 1. The lone victory for the deer came outside Stump, Ohio, when a 33-year-old accountant was accidentally shot 17 times by his friends despite wearing an orange hat, vest, pants and boots plus a sandwich board that read, IT'S ME, STAN.
Joining us now to discuss the defeat, general manager and coach of the deer, John Doe. Coach, welcome.
Good to be here. Hell, it's good to be anywhere. I could be sitting on a plate next to a vegetable medley.
What frustrates you the most about your squad's performance in the season opener?
Well, we can't keep losing at home like this. Something's gotta change. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure we're competing on a level playing field anymore. We're gonna bring it up at the league meetings in Palm Springs this winter.
What will you ask for?
We've gotta have some help from the competition committee. I mean, we've got some good speed, but we don't have anybody that can outrun an Ultra Light Arms rifle with a 20X scope and 24-inch stainless-steel barrel, you know what I'm sayin'? Plus these hunters keep coming at us with more and more stuff. They've got solunar tables and laser sights and night goggles. We don't even have decent teeth! Put it this way: My grandpa didn't have to dodge a bunch of yahoos riding a damn six-passenger ATV and using a Global Positioning Satellite.
But this was such a lopsided loss, Coach. Is it purely a question of technology?
Well, they're fightin' dirty now. Used to be, we could sniff'em out before they could get close enough to sever our family ties. But now hunters are taking chlorophyll pills that mask the human scent. They're using spray scent shields. Some guys are bathing with baking soda. Others are burying their clothes for a month in the backyard before they go hunting. I mean, get a life, huh? Hell, I read about hunters who douse themselves with powerful "deer attractant." You know what that is? Deer urine! Now what are we supposed to wear on dates?