From Tip-off To Sign-off

Next week the NBA will launch a TV channel, NBA.com TV, devoted exclusively to the league—24 hours a day, seven days a week of pro basketball programming, available in the 5.6 million homes that have satellite-delivered DirecTV and the million that receive (via cable) Viewer's Choice. "NBA.com TV," says commissioner David Stern, "will offer our fans complete, round-the-clock coverage." Here's how we envision the programming lineup.

6 A.M.: Bust Spree TV Roundup of previous day's court cases involving Latrell Sprewell. (2 hrs.)

8 A.M.: The Breakfast Club Shawn Kemp, Oliver Miller and Stanley Roberts get to the bottom of a stack of pancakes. (90 mins.)

9:30 A.M.: The Daly Show Comedian Rip Taylor stars as doppelg�nger Chuck Daly in this suitcom about a newly retired coach coping with the loss of his six-figure clothing allowance. (30 mins.)

10 A.M.: The Traveling Marburys On the road with members of Stephon Marbury's extended family as they lay waste to the league's complimentary pregame press-lounge buffets. (60 mins.)

11 A.M.: A.R. Surgeons perform an emergency Ahmadectomy on Michael Jordan's left buttock. (60 mins.)

NOON: Crook & Chase A Georgia highway patrolman blurts the first two words that come to mind when he sees new Hawks acquisition Isaiah Rider driving. (60 mins.)

1 P.M.: All My Children? Soap opera set in the go-go world of paternity law. (60 mins.)

2 P.M.: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Not the superstar contestants on this game show, who attempt to give their salaries, in the form of manifold five-figure fines, to deputy commissioner Russ Granik. (60 mins.)

3 P.M.: Afterschool Special: Don't Be a Fool! Harrowing cautionary tale in which Kevin Garnett and Kobe Bryant warn kids: Stay in school, or you'll end up like us! (2 hrs., 30 mins.)