Think you can ride me? Ha! Let me expound on that: Ha, ha! Locomotive Breath—that's me, Hoss. I go 1,400 pounds and I've thrown 12 of 13 riders this year, including nine-time world champion Ty Murray. I just sold for a rodeo-bull record $50,000, and I'm only five years old. Last week at the Pro Bull Riders World Championships at UNLV's Thomas & Mack Center, I improved my buck-off rate to 93.5% by throwing the only fools who got on me. Murray, the winning rider, got $259,000 and a 14-karat-gold belt buckle for five rounds of bullriding; I had to settle for grass sprinkled with nutritional supplements and Gatorade, which I chug out of a trough.
Bein' a bull ain't bad. Eat, sleep, spin around fast as I can on occasion and twice a year get hooked up to an ejaculator, which is exactly what it sounds like. My former owner, Terry Williams of Carthage, Texas, says the thing looks like it came out of a porno shop. How would he know? Says it's necessary, though, 'cause I might hurt myself having sex the natural way. (Now that's bull!) Williams gets $200 for a tiny tube full o' my semen, and trust me, I fill more than one tube. Try several hundred, which are packed in nitrogen and shipped to livestock breeders all over the country.
I travel about 15,000 miles a year with two dozen or so of my bull buddies in a double-decker trailer. I worked as much as eight seconds only one day this year (not countin' my time on the ejaculator). Last March, Nick T. Buckley rode me that long at the St. Louis Open. For that he scored 95 points, 1.5 points shy of the highest total in the six-year history of the Bud Lite tour.
Bullridin' is booming. A lot of folks are calling our tour the next big thing. Me? Hell, I'd like to make the Pro Rodeo Hall of Fame, maybe do Pamplona, run a few people over, then get a job at Merrill Lynch. Five years or so from now I'll find me a pretty little cow, settle down and head out to pasture. Till then, I just hope the ejaculator is Y2K compliant.