You'll need a Number 2 pencil to complete this column. It's a fully interactive, multiple-choice poem that lets you be the critic. How does it work? Simple. Following the first three lines of each stanza are three punch lines in parentheses. Choose one, cross out the others. Result: epic poetry and withering punditry, by a real media thumb-sucker—you.
Would someone drop a cartoon anvil
Atop cartoonish Jerry Glanville?
Oh, the silly things he says.
(He ought to wear a Shriner's fez.)
(If goats could vote he'd be our Prez.)
(I've seen wiser heads dispensing Pez.)
Has John Thompson of TNT's
Broadcast team turned Japanese?
He seems to speak a foreign tongue
(Dutch, perhaps, or maybe Hmong.)
(And flop-sweats worse than Dennis Fung.)
(Is this why rodents eat their young?)
If I received a single Cheez-It
Each time Dick Vitale yelled,
I could build a great big cracker.
(No, I don't mean Billy Packer.)
(Big enough to plug his yakker.)
(Take on Orville Redenbacher.)
Held hostage to the Airport Channel,
Even the most patient man'll
Become a creature by Fellini—
Scarred by too much Vince Cellini.)
("Life is ugly," cries Benigni.)
(Barkeep, please, a dry martini.)
Brent Musburger, ABC Sports:
You're hereby invited to eat my shorts.
Should they prove unappetizin'
(Overnight them to Rich Eisen.)
( FedEx them to Joe Theismann.)
(Take them in for Martinizin'.)
Steve Lyons, aggressively goofy,
Puts me to sleep: He's two parts roofie.
His comatose shtick—"Psycho Analysis"—
Is old enough to be George Halas's.)
(Gives my MUTE-ing thumb its calluses.)
(Is lower-brow than Charlie Callas's.)
Monday Nitro, Raw is War—
Who, pray tell, are these shows for?
Those who spend their Monday nights
(Cheering greased-up men in tights.)
(Jeering hairless men in fights.)
(Leering over GLOW Web sites.)
Campaign 2000's going badly.
Consider former Knick Bill Bradley:
Blithely courting Reed and Cousy
While eight-year-olds can buy an Uzi.)
(Will Trump's girlfriend become First Floozy?)
(Wake me up on Super Tuesday.)
Announcers, heed this declaration.
The penalty, in TV nation,
For excessive telestration:
(Jackie Sherrillesque castration.)
(Quaffing lemur perspiration.)
(Turkish prison molestation.)