The Bcs Formula: Bad Will Hunting

?:Number of points Florida State would score against Virginia Tech in the national title game at the Sugar Bowl.

?: Military rank of Texas quarterback Major Applewhite.

?: Number of cornerbacks peeled weekly out of Wisconsin running back Ron Dayne's cleats.

!: Bowl Championship Series? What series? There's no series. It's one game! A series is exactly what we need! On Dec. 11 we could be snuggling up to our Sonys for the start of a real championship series. Four games that day, two the next Saturday; then, on New Year's Day, the first real college football title game. Instead we get a lot of basement-living computer geeks, who haven't had a date since their aunt's fruitcake, deciding the fate of 250-pound linebackers. Sigh.

Z: Short for zzzzz, which we're all going to be bagging if the title game is Florida State- Virginia Tech, a matchup that will be as one-sided as a Cuban mayoral race. Seriously, if we don't get a playoff soon, I'm telling Dion you jacked his chalupa.