Future Schlock

Has there ever before been a century like this one, a century of such unparalleled progress? We've seen the development of antibiotics, of night baseball, of talk radio. True, flying cars never quite worked out; the two-way wristwatch radio was a tougher nut to crack than we thought it would be; and nobody's going to Mars (well, certainly not coming back; it's the Hotel California of our solar system) anytime soon. But everything else has panned out big. Two words: microwave popcorn.

We can only imagine the astonishing progress in store for us as we embark upon the 21st century. It's impossible to predict every little breakthrough (a hundred years ago, we'd never have envisioned painless dentistry, the designated hitter or Thighmaster), but we're expert enough (in sports, not so much medicine) to forecast that Vince McMahon's WWF will become the umbrella organization that regulates all major league sports (except for boxing, which will continue to be guided by good sense alone), and outcomes will be scripted to provide total fan satisfaction (read: fireworks, near-naked women on every sideline, no 8-8 playoff teams ever and especially no Yankees championships). Focus groups will be employed to better divine national sentiment and develop popular themes (and higher ratings). In that way the Cubs will win the World Series.

Just as there are heroes and villains in pro wrestling, there will be good cities and bad cities in big league sports. Who knows, you might live in a bad city right now!

Going to the game, which has long been the big bugaboo (where you gonna park that flying car, mister?), will no longer be required. We'll have interactive "stadium seats" right in our living rooms, close to the microwave popcorn and a clean rest room. Every man will have a luxury suite. He'll razz the refs on his wristwatch radio. That's pretty much how it's going to be in the next century, when our games become even more reliable and convenient fun for everybody (18 and older). It's safe to say that if we can only get to Mars and back, this will be the best century yet!