Praise Be To Nitschke

The only thing sports television hates more than total silence is the genuine expression of religious faith. Statements of personal belief, a quick shout out to the deity after a big game, create awkward moments that leave our beloved network reporters hemming, hawing and staring down at their tassled loafers. Thanking the Divine for athletic victory, while well meant, conjures an uncomfortable picture of God or Allah or Yahweh picking winners in a heaven that looks like the Mirage sports book.

The overworked Almighty, accountable for the fall of every sparrow, is probably too busy to pay attention to anything but the playoffs anyhow. So why not borrow from the pantheists and create a convenient set of sports-only subdeities? The ancient Aztecs, for example, turned responsibility over to Xolotl Nanahuatl, god of ballplaying and executions. In Japan sumo wrestlers have a patron saint all their own, Nomi-no-Sukune. You get the idea.

Herewith, then, a short list of suggested alternatives to a single deity, household gods whose invocation keeps everybody happy!

Lamonica, god of play-action 17 Dive-Right Post Zip on two, god of offense. Patron of the Hail Mary Lou (newly named in honor of the toothy muse of cheerful outcomes).

Nitschke, god of defense, of war, of game-day windchill. Patron of the smash-mouth, of the clothesline, of the greenstick fracture.

Zaharias, goddess of excellence in all things. Patron of the disenfranchised, of those without endorsements. In lore was condemned to toil in the cold, chaotic darkness before women's sports were invented, by ABC, in the summer of 1999.

Costas, god of statistical accuracy and bygone authenticity. Patron of documentarians and the dead ball.

Blair and Heiden, twin gods of speed. Co-patrons of the quadriceps and glutes.

Lupica, god of guest bookings. Patron of the sound bite and studio-bound Town Car. Paired with Schaap, god of Kinescope and remembrance.

Thorpe, god of the undervalued. Struggles eternally with the god of long ball and highball, Ruth, who in mythology tried to lift Thorpe's mighty jockstrap but could not, until the arrival on earth of ESPN, trickster god of restored newsreels, Internet polling and invidious comparison.