Brian's Song

It may be the most highly anticipated moment of Oscar night on March 26: No, not the unveiling of Jennifer Lopez's dress, but the performance of that most unlikely Best Song nominee, Blame Canada, from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut. Our vote, though, would have gone to another tune in that film, an ode to Cartman and crew's favorite star-spangled skating champ that goes something...like...this:

What would Brian Boitano do, if he was here right now?
He'd make a plan, and he'd follow through,
That's what Brian Boitano'd do.

When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics, skating for the gold,
He did two Salchows and a triple Lutz while wearing a blindfold.

When Brian Boitano was in the Alps, fighting grizzly bears,
He used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair.

So, what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today?
I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two,
That's what Brian Boitano'd do....

When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010,
He fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again.
And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids, he beat up Kublai Khan
'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take s—-from anybody....