Jaws Iv: Snack Time In Sydney

True, Sydney officials say the chance of an attack during the Olympics is "virtually nil" because shark attacks rarely occur there in September. That's fine, but what about the World Cup triathlon there on April 16? Well, officials say they're planning to have lots of motor boats flanking the athletes during their 1,500-meter swim. That's good, because what's safer than swimming in close proximity to spinning propellers?

Not only that, the Olympic race will start at a small pier near the Sydney Opera House with the 50 swimmers standing shoulder-to-shoulder, all diving in at once. "It'll be full contact," says U.S. hopeful Nick Radkewich. "Anything goes: kicking, punching, guys pulling you down, guys swimming over you, anything."

Lord, what will the rest of the race be like?

O.K., after the swim you'll bike through the unfed lion cages at the Sydney zoo, continue up Ayers Rock and finish in the back room of Crazy Lu's Dyspeptic Tarantula Emporium. That's where you'll begin your run, though you'll want to be on the lookout for fans dropping refrigerators from the overpasses.

If there's one American athlete who's Most Likely to Be Eaten by a Shark, it has to be Karen Smyers, a two-time women's world champion and the most luckless athlete in the U.S. In the last three years Smyers has 1) been hit by a semi, suffering six broken ribs and a bruised lung; 2) broken her collarbone in a bike accident; 3) had her hamstring sliced by glass from a shattered storm window; and 4) had surgery to remove a cancerous thyroid. "No, no, no!" she wails. "My luck has to change! My husband and I are buying lotto tickets every day just to see when."

O.K., if it's not Smyers, it'll be Radkewich, who during one race had one arm paralyzed by a jellyfish sting (and finished), in another got stung by a wasp on his family jewels (and finished) and during a third ran over a crane on his bike (the bird was finished). "Sharks?" he says. "Man, I don't even want to think about it."

Look at it this way, Nick: If you're chased by a killer shark, think what it'll do for your split time.

It's not too late for Sydney officials to do the right thing on the sharks. In fact, it's high time for Sydney to take the one step that will make this first Olympic triathlon the best ever.

Make sure John Tesh is entered.